08 march 2024
AURGH. graugh. fucking hell.
i want to be shredded up like pulled pork.
so i dumped my toxic ass fun as hell evil coded situationship once i met this new person and i was like "i can No Longer be on my Insane Bullshit i gotta give a real person a chance"
but we gotta ask the real questions which is why was i with him in the first place? he made me feel seen for the parts of me that i dont open to other people, or at least never have felt like other people understood.
im multifaceted and hard to get to know and understand and i love evil and maliciousness. there are certain lines that i realized i don't want to cross, and being around him showed me those lines, and showed me reasons why i don't want to cross those lines. but a key part of what we had was, from my perspective at least, was that he wasn't a better person than me. and i feel like moooooost people are better people than me, if im being honest. i dont always Think it when it comes down to it but i sure do feel it.
but like there was 0 pretense with me and him. he was shittier and i knew it, and i don't even think he viewed me in the good/shitty dichotomy, but like... there was no pretense about being a good person, about morals. and i was not trying to fix him, either. i was pretty alright with how he was, from the sense that like, i didn't think he needed to change. people like him just exist. i wasn't expecting him to change, i was just along for the ride.
and within that i was - i am split in twain. well, far more than twain, but Mostly Twain in the sense of there is the hemisphere of me that delights in chaos and cruelty and has no shame in it, and there's the hemisphere that understands and shares in the delight but also wants better for people and wants to be benevolent and is, and has shame about understanding and sharing the delight. and judges the other hemisphere whether they want to be judgemental or not, and tries not to judge, but still judges. even in the way i see this reflected in my ex and am judging him for it. putting him down.
he did really suck though. like, exceptionally bad. and i would laugh with him about it. it was refreshing to be around someone who put up no social pretense. but he was lame, honestly, he was a loser, and i liked him. and i really didn't like him honestly! but he was fun. and in some way yes i did like him.
he made me feel seen - but like, seen for the ways i hate myself most. and that's really meaningful. and where am i now?
trying to be a better person - ending it with the guy, and .... trying to be someone who would be deserving of the affection of this person that i have a crush on now.
this person seems to have a nuanced understanding of morality in certain ways already. i would like to learn more about them and how they Think of things. but just certain things they've already talked about gives that impression. but they're also just like, the type of person who i've decided in my head is a better person than me - as in, seemingly innocent of any major wrongdoing, seemingly benevolent and pleasant to be around. and also just really cool and fun and enjoyable to spend time with.
so the idea that this person - this person more innocent than me (and i say this seriously, because, as a character trait that i will not elaborate too much on, i have seen and engaged in horrors far beyond what is normal for a human. 99% of this world is more innocent than me. maybe 98%.) could see me and perhaps understand me in my dichotomies as a holistic, as an entire person, and maybe even love me and want to know me and want to be with me. thats insane to me. that seems like the highest echelon of what i wanted.
the guy wasn't able to give that sort of validation and recognition to me because i didn't really value it coming from him. and see like, i... this new person, i see them as normal, and i feel like every normal person is better than me. and they're great and cool in so many other ways and just like genuinely a person that im glad ive met and stuff but also they like... are normal in a way that im not, and the guy from last month was also abnormal but not exactly in the way that im abnormal. i mean like he was like 4channy. but like. a 4channy guy thinking im cool and fuckable is like, fun, but doesn't make me feel like i have a place among normal good people. and it was fun to play in that space and let myself be that type of self where i just didn't care about being a dick.
but being around this new person makes me want to a) mostly, be accepted in my entirety by a person that i admire and b) failing that (because i still kind of believe it can't happen) somehow overcome or overpower my dark side and be the type of person they could love, maybe. and that sounds like b) sucks and i really don't want to do that but in a lot of ways i Also don't want to be awful forever.
i hate myself. i love myself only from a third person perspective. i could love me if i knew me but i can't love me being me.