feels

My entries using town feels. Don’t expect “good” writing here. This is just personal journal type material.

01/24/2023

an evening alone

My husband Steven is working this evening and I’m here by myself. I’ve been messing around here on tilde.town with my website and I’m mostly writing this feels posts to test it out. I build my tilde.town site with jekyll and I’ve gotten my feels posts incorporated into the jekyll site instead of being their own thing. I’ll probably put something up on my site about how I build it at some point. Maybe it’ll be interesting to someone. If nothing else, writing it down will remind me how I did it so I don’t have to reverse engineer everything years from now.

01/23/2023

Con Weekend

I attended Shmoocon this past weekend for the first time since 2020. I didn’t get a room at the hotel and opted to have my husband drive to to and from since we only like ~25 minutes from the venue in DC. I think next year I’ll get a room. I miss being able to pop in during the day to mentally recharge from socializing and staying on-site let’s me stay up later into the evening.

Friday at the con was a bit of a dud day. Two of my coworkers also attended and I felt obligated to spend my time with them, watching talks. I usually only go to talks if I know the speaker or the subject looks especially interesting to me, so I found sitting through the Friday talks a bit tedious. I’d have preferred find and catch up with my friends or chat with vendors or do some lock-picking. Friday evening my coworkers split and I was unsuccessful locating people I knew, (I suspect they were all out to dinner with each other) so I called up Steven and left early.

Saturday was better. I popped into the lock-picking village in the morning and ran into Buddy, and caught up with him and picked locks for an hour. I grabbed lunch with my coworker Christian while Carlos bailed on us. Let’s just say I wouldn’t spend time with Christian if I didn’t have to work with him. We get along fine but we’re very different types of people. After lunch, I ditched Christian and finally ran into my friend Pronto. Pronto is the best person to hang out with at a hacker con. He’s chill, fun to talk to, and knows everyone. I spent the rest of the day with Pronto just wandering the con, drinking, chatting with people, and grabbing dinner at a hole in the wall bar in Adams Morgan that ended up having amazing pasta and cocktails. I had my husband pick me up at 10:00 evening though the evening was far from dead so that he wouldn’t have to be up too late.

I didn’t go back Sunday since the con only runs half the day and I’d need to leave early anyway to drive to a family get-together.

I had a great time overall and want to start going to cons again. It’s been a long time since I’ve done any cons besides Shmoocon and I’d like to see some other ones. Pronto recommends Pumpcon in Philly, and (of course) CCC in Germany. Maybe I’ll even hit up Defcon one more time.

01/18/2023

Today

Well I haven’t used this Feels Engine in quite a long time. I woke up early with my cats this morning and I’m thinking about breaking bad habits and potentially making some lifestyle changes. But I’ve learned over the years that making big changes doesn’t usually work and that I, as the statisticians say, regress to the mean. For today I’ll just be happy with what I’ve done today. Tomorrow maybe I’ll get up early again. Maybe I won’t.

10/22/2020

row, row, row your boat

I bought a rowing machine. I’ve been on the waiting list for it for almost 2 months and it arrived yesterday. (it’s a concept2 model D for anyone interested) I was able to row 2K in 1K sessions on it yesterday and I didn’t have any trouble. I’m starting slow which is recommended so you learn proper form and don’t injure yourself.

I hope that I’ll be able to get consistent with exercising using this. A few years ago I got into running, did the couch to 5K program, and kept up with weekly runs for about a year. I gradually fell of the bandwagon of regular exercise though and reverted to my couch potato ways. I think that was largely due to the fact that running outside in my region suck 75% of the time. Summer is too hot, winter is too cold, and in the spring there’s tons of pollen in the air to trigger my allergies. That leaves fall for a pleasant running experience and the other seasons you have to cope with the discomfort.

I hope that since it’s an indoor activity, rowing will be easier to stick with. I’ve also got two coworkers who row so I have people to compete with. I’m also trying not to disillusion myself either though. I’ve met plenty of people throughout my life that owned home exercise equipment that ended up being used to hang clothing. I have to figure out how to keep it going long term after the “new thing” honeymoon period is over.

That’s always been the “hard thing” for my life: Being consistent with healthy behaviour. I’m still trying though.

10/10/2020

coffee and kitty

Sitting on my couch. Penny is napping next to me. Halfway through my coffee. Spending mornings by myself is a small pleasure I enjoy.

Today I get to drive to West Virginia and help prepare a property my mom owns for the winter. It’s a pain in the ass. She needs to sell it.

Sometimes when I write here I feel like I have an essay pouring out of me but days like today I don’t have much to say. I think it’s when I’m feeling most grounded that I don’t have much to talk about. My anxiety is low, I’m not stressing.

Yesterday I finished up a hot sauce I made from chili peppers that have been fermenting for an entire year. I didn’t intend to let them sit that long but fortunately there was no harm in it. It’s very spicy and funky tasting. Very orange. I’m happy with how it turned out.

I think in the future I want to try experimenting with xanthan gum to get a thicker consistency.

I’ve also got 2 gallons of mead brewing in the kitchen. They’re both cysers, which is a mead made with honey and apple cider. One is using a wild yeast and the other a commercial. The wild one smells like ass while it’s fermenting but we used it last year and the result was tasty so I trust it.

I’ve got some computer projects I need to pick up again. It’s hard to motivate myself on them right now. I think though, that I can make some headway on them tomorrow.

Putting these thoughts into the terminal has calmed me further. Today is going to be a good day.

09/28/2020

Back from a week of vacation.

Today I’m back to work after a week of vacation with my family. Taking a break from things was nice and much needed. It wasn’t without its own stress though. While I was away, my cat Max had a flare up of an existing condition that makes him have issues urinating. He had to go to the emergency vet. Luckily my boyfriend had stayed home and was able to take care of Max. I feel bad that Steven had to deal with a distressed cat peeing all over the house while I was away at the beach. I need to try to give him a break from taking care of things around the house this week.

I’m not much feeling like writing right now. I’m not sure why. Some things piled up wile I was away and I need to muster up the willpower to start taking care of them.

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I’m trying to find some love for myself today but it’s not readily available.

09/06/2020

I struggle with executive dysfunction

When I was young, I believe in the first grade, I was diagnosed with ADD. Nowadays the nomenclature had shifted and ADD isn’t a separate diagnosis from ADHD. I believe today I’d be diagnosed with ADHD-PI; the “PI” is for predominately inattentive. I was medicated as a child although I hated it and as I got older found ways to avoid taking it. Part of me wishes I had been less obtuse and stuck with the meds. I’m sure with the right combination I would have been a better student.

Today I remain unmedicated for my condition and the primary issue my disorder causes in my life is messing with my executive function. In a nutshell, executive function is the set of processes in your brain that lets you get shit done. Check wikipedia if you care to learn more about it. Issues with executive function are a hallmark of the disorder. My experience with executive dysfunction manifest as laziness to an outside observer. I can be sitting on the couch, watching TV or reading stuff on my phone, knowing full well that I have 20 things I’d like to get done, and I don’t do any of them. Even basic things. Taking a shower, sending an email, cleaning something. Things that are easy to do and take little time. Simply starting a basic task feels like climbing a mountain. Establishing habits feels impossible. I don’t want to be sitting on my ass, I want to be getting things done. But I don’t. And it causes anxiety.

Another way executive dysfunction rears it’s head is my inability to ignore distractions. If I’m at a large party or gathering and there’s lots a smallish groups talking around me you can forget about holding a conversation with me. I have very little control over tuning out background noise, especially if that noise is speech. All of the words I can hear from every conversation enter my mind and get processed and it can be overwhelming. I end up being pretty quiet in these situations since I can’t really follow the thread of the conversation. And if I’ve been drinking the issue intensifies.

Executive dysfunction also give me short-term memory issues. My short-term memory is garbage. I’ll commit to things and forget about them instantly. I can’t remember names of people that have repeated them to me 5 times. I’ll go into a room to do something and have no idea why I’m there. I’m sure that this frustrates the people that have to work with me.

Despite all these issues, I’ve been relatively successful in life. I have a well-paying job, a house, a stable relationship. I know what my issues are and I try to cope with them. It’s an uphill battle with my own brain.

If you’ve also got ADHD and want to talk about it, hit me up.

09/03/2020

I’m doing better today than I did yesterday.

Throughout my life I’ve always been hard on myself. I have kept a running tab of all my failures in my mind. Even the little things. It’s been a heavy weight to carry that around constantly. It doesn’t even work as motivation. The weight just drags me down as the pile of failures gets bigger and bigger.

I’m not talking about ‘big picture’ fails here. I’m talking about the day to day. Didn’t shower today? Fail. Ate too much? Fail. Watched too much TV? Fail. On and on and on. It creates a constant state of stress that snowballs. Every failure, every task left incomplete, every self-judgement leads to another.

I’ve been changing that lately. Now I try to forgive myself for my own failures. I’m kind to my past self. And instead of carrying around the failures, I keep the successes in my mind. Cleaned up a mess today? Great! Completed a work task? Good job. Made a meal at home instead of eating out? Nice.

I let the success snowball instead of the failure. And today I’m in a healthier place. I’ve been keeping things less messy. I’ve been eating better. I’ve been getting more work done. I’ve been sleeping better.

I still am not living a perfect life. I still indulge in behaviours that aren’t beneficial to my future self. It’s okay. I’m not perfect. But I’m improving now. I forgive my failures. I celebrate my successes. And I’m making things better for myself one day at a time.

08/30/2020

Getting up early.

I love getting up early on the weekends. It’s calming. I’ve got time to tackle the day slowly. No anxiety about having to get ready for work. No time constraints.

I’m not sure what I’m going to get up to today. I’d like to spend some time cleaning my house. I’m bad at keeping things clean and tidy. At least, I have been. I’m getting better at it slowly.

08/22/2020

###This is a test I’m writing this with a stylus + touchscreen on an old Fujitsu laptop my brother discarded. Writing this way slows me down a bit. I’m surprised that this works reasonably well using VIM over SSH. I think I’ll try writing more substantial entries this way in the future.

08/19/2020

My job does not bring me joy

I think it’s okay though. We live under capitalist economy and thus I need to generate income to live. I use my income to provide stability for myself and to pursue other activities that bring me joy. The work I do for my employer is mediocre because I honestly don’t really care about it. I don’t feel the need to stand out or go “above and beyond.” I know that I’m not seen as a rockstar at work. I know that I won’t be looked at for promotion. It’s fine though.

My life is thriving. I have friends and family that love me. I have money to pursue my hobbies and projects. I have free time to relax, to have fun, to spend with others.

Fuck a career. I’m living.

08/17/2020

I’m feeling pretty good this morning.

My mood has been really good over the past few days. I’ve been cleaning up the clutter in my house, keeping the kitchen clean. It feels good. I’ve been spending less time in front of the TV and computer. I don’t know if I can make this last. Usually my laziness takes a hold of me. Maybe it’s depression. For now though, I’m being productive.

I’ve lost a couple pounds too. It seems that if I’m feeling good about myself it makes be better about not over-eating and being conscious of the calories I’m consuming. I also feel less hungry. Maybe I’ll be able to maintain it this time instead of slowly falling back into old, poor eating habits.

I’m feeling a little jittery this morning, I think I over-caffeinated. I guess I need to be more careful with the cold brew.

edit: lol

08/15/2020

Someone I know did something brave this week.

First though, some backstory. I’m a 35 year old gay man. I live comfortably with my boyfriend, Steven. I think we’ve been living together for about 4 years now. After the pandemic slows down we’re going to get married. Steven is a great man and I love him dearly.

Earlier this week Steven’s half-brother Seth, a 15 year old who lives across the country from us, came out as gay to Steven. More importantly, Seth also came out to his parents. I find this incredibly brave because Seth’s family is Mormon. If you’re not familiar with the Mormon faith, one thing I can tell you is that they’re not especially friendly to queer people. Seth’s parents had a typical reaction. They told him he’s just confused because he’s young. That he’s going through a phase. They invalidated him. They’re basically pushing him back into the closet and hoping he’ll magically become straight over time. It’s a story I’ve heard 100 times. I’m just glad Seth has Steven, an older gay family member to confide in, talk to, rant to, whatever he needs. Access to acceptance and love is especially important when you’re a teenager.

I’ve been reflecting on this over the past few days. I’m truly struck by Seth’s bravery. It really takes guts to announce something about yourself to people you know aren’t going to like it. Facing rejection from people you love is a traumatic experience. I really admire Seth and I’m proud of him. I aspire to be that brave in my life.

The rest of this is going to be about me and my own thoughts and feelings so feel free to drop off here.

A lot of straight people don’t realize or haven’t considered that staying closeted as a queer person (by this I mean anyone in the lgbt community) is not a passive act. It’s a facade you have to maintain. A lie you have to live every day. It drains your energy. It makes you feel stress, anxiety, and even self-loathing. There’s a reason queer youth have a higher suicide rate.

During the early 2000’s I was 15 and still figuring myself out. I didn’t know of any queer adults in my life. No gay uncles or mentors or teachers. I had to turn to the internet for support. I’m so grateful I found it there. I might have done something terrible to myself had I not. It makes me truly respect older queer people that came of age during a time before the internet and when our society was even more hostile towards all queers. I think that if I had grown up in the 80’s I would have ended up engaging in some truly self-destructive behaviors.

Reflecting on all these things, I feel happy. I’m happy that in 2020, a 15 year old can come out. Even if his parents aren’t accepting he has other family members who are. Steven and I will be here for Seth. We’ll be here for all the gay youth who aren’t feeling optimistic about their futures.

If you’d like to talk to me about anything I’ve written feel free to hit me up on IRC or drop me an email.

07/27/2020

I need to start losing weight.

08/25/2019

It’s me

I’m Jeff. I’m not sure what I plan to put here but I’m just exploring the features of this server.

I hope to meet new, interesting people here. If you’re reading this, feel free to drop me a message. In the meantime, here’s a cat:

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