04 february 2018

it's been a long long time since i updated here. i'm working a lot these days and me and cameron broke up for good. this happened in september 2017. he basically said he got tired of living in portland, and since he couldn't find a job and his father had fallen and broken his hip, decided to return to texas. it took a long time to recover from that, after a summer in which in 1) i nearly died and 2) most of my friends moved away from portland.

i am still living in portland. this has been a hard week because i am depressed. i ate junk food all this week with my roommate mike and our new roommate ethan, who is a huge pothead. mike had a nervous breakdown after falling into anaphylactic shock from ingesting a contraindication of antibiotics. at work, my boss left me and another coworker alone to face off with customers and it all hit the fan on friday evening when some crazy old woman called in basically accusing my company of discriminating against her because she couldn't get a ductless heat pump installed in her home (my company is an energy conservation services consulancy).

i finally finished writing my novella in october 2017. this work took about five years to complete and was a very difficult work to produce. it was my first crime procedural piece, and one that resonates with my south texas roots. I have been thinking alot about what south texas has mean to me as a writer and author, especially in the last few years. i would like to go home for good. my mother is elderly and frail and i would like to be closer to her. i do not think i will be getting married any time soon. whatever aspirations i had toward a normal adulthood have been compromised, alas, by circumstances that are out of my control.

i cannot tell you what adulthood has done to me. i feel like i can't have anything like a normal life, which is OK. i'm always out of money which i suppose is my fault--either from paying bills or just overindulging myself. the white philosophers who have always had enough privilege tell me i am just unbalanced, when it really is that the whole world is unbalanced, and we are all teetering toward the abyss of our bad decisions.

i haven't written anything in a long time. i have developed feelings for a man who may or may not be in love with me. he is tall and thin and handsome and a brilliant writer and just so much fun to be around. but i am also scared of scaring him away with all of my unresolved messes. he's such a sweetheart. i dedicated my novella to him. i hope i don't fuck up this relationship like i did all the others

sometimes i wish i just wasn't alive anymore, but what good would that do?

~vilmibm and ~terian moved away and i didn't get to say goodbye, i cried all the way home on the day my friend jonny moved away from portland. all these people who came to portland to get away from the nightmare that is this country have all learned their lesson. i may end up going back home, where i belong, and never leaving home ever again.

i still long for warm tropical days and rain and the smell of this rain on the flowers. part of my conundrum is not having a car. i have never needed a car because i always had public transportation, but even in texas it is hard to come by. and where i'm from, their public transportation system is still evolving and will take many years to develop, so even if i get a good job back home it will still be a long time before i can make even keel.

i have been through so much. i have so much pain inside me, more than i know what to do with. all of the relationships i have are fractured and broken by circumstance in some way, and i feel i am to blame for it. but there's not much else i can do with this pain but to make art. it is all i know how to do.