13 june 2019

Do you know who I miss? ~vilmibm.

Cameron asked me about him last night. I know they moved to Chicago with ~spinecone. A flood of memories filled my heart. I teared up and remembered the time they had me over for chili. They like their chili spicy hot and I could barely finish, but it was one of the best chilis I've ever had. It was a vegan chili.

Things have been hard this year. My father passed away, unfortunately. We were not close but I observed four months of mourning, in accordance with our family's old traditions. Cameron's father fell and broke his hip. My mother is losing her eyesight. I'm still working but any dreams of breaking into big publishing are gone.

Many of our friends have moved away. Some said they were friends but were not. Some were really good friends. Some friends are in heaven. Life has to go on somehow. It is very disappointing to have learned that several people on tilde.town have been in contravention of the aup and code of conduct. I stopped in on Saturday in the chat to watch a very disagreeable exchange.

I am trying not to give up on life. I forget how much I am loved. How much I am needed. How much people need me. After Dad died, I tried to kill myself. I was in very deep mourning for three weeks, and I wore nothing but black. Even now I wear black now and then. I don't just do it for my natural father, but for my maternal grandfather, who raised me as his son. When Mommy dies I will wear black for the rest of my life.

I published a book in late May. I hate it. It was part of a program I participated in here in Portland.

Other than that my life is quiet. I work mainly. I am trying to put the mistakes of my youth in perspective. I don't want to stick around life very much longer.