20 july 2023
I've been sick the past few weeks. It's one of those head colds that moves around: throat, then nose, then chest. I'm hoping I'm coming up to the end of it.
I moved last weekend in the midst of the cold. I like the new place. I'm un-nested from J now and on my own (until I find a roommate at least). I still have a lot of furniture to buy, but I think the place is going to work out well.
In the midst of feeling tired from the move, still having nesting things to do, dealing with the cold, and accidentally taking a night time cold medicine during the day time (why did they make the daytime tablets dark blue and the nighttime white??), I had an interaction with a co-worker where I was confused about what they were saying and asked a lot of questions around it. They took it as me challenging them or questioning them. I have an interesting cocktail of emotions around this: guilt for making her feel bad, frustration around the shipping deadline, anger around the space not being safe to ask questions, fear around being inadequate for this job, guilt around not being as present as I'd like to be.
All these feelings are valid, but I'll focus on the one that on second blush, looks to be a distorted thought: "anger around the space not being safe to ask questions." I was feeling this way because I was receiving negative feedback for an interaction that I had with her where all I was doing was asking questions. I didn't say, "I think you're wrong, or this doesn't seem right."
She's telling me: I told her before lunch, I think the problem is with the PHP layer. She tells me she fixed it by changing something in the Vue layer. Of course I'm confused. I'm trying to connect the dots. I'm struggling to connect the dots, and I sick and tired. I think I can forgive myself for asking similar questions. In fact, in her answers she would start by saying, "again" or "I repeat", making me feel like I should be picking up something faster than I was.
I had a follow-up with her and I'm feeling better about it. I was able to tell her that the phrasing, "again" and "I reiterate" made me feel dumb, I think we both have an understanding that when the conversation is off over text, then we should do something synchronous.