23 august 2017

It's been a while. I usually vent myself out and iteract on IRC, but today I feel disconnected and don't feel like I want the synchronicity of IRC for my feels. And so, here we are.

This week has been stressful and difficult for no good reason. I have trouble sleeping, I flake out frequently during the day, and I feel like I'm not good enough to do the things I need to do. All in all, I'm a bit down. It's hard to tell with me, though. I'll smile and joke and play about, but sometimes I just don't feel the connection to those actions, and my mind retreats inwards.

I think money is part of my worries right now. I feel bad that I'm feelig bad about money when I know I'm in a fairly good place. Even others here on ~town have indicated worse financial stress than I have. Still, as the sole income for a family of 4, in the sometimes volatile tech industry ... I worry.

Worry doesn't consume me, though, even as it weighs heavily. I've found that the older I get, the more nuanced and intricate my emotional state becomes. I'm re-visiting some philosophical concepts I've grazed upon in the past. Stoicism has always been a set of ideas that resonate with me, and I'd like to know more about Zen Buddhism, so I'm meandering through books and online resources and thinking deep thoughts (or shallow thoughts about deep thinking; I'm never sure which, really ;) ).

On another front, I've been losing myself in video game ideas and concepts. I have many ideas, but no execution (yet?). Actually, I should say I'm losing myself in creative ideas and cocepts, not limited to video games. Novel and short story ideas, visual and mechanical art concepts, music, video media ... so many ideas across all sorts of creative skills ... wherein I am nothing more than an amateur dabbler. I always tell myself to pick one skill and pursue some ideas, but perhaps I simply have more fun imagining the ideas themselves. There's a kid of fulfillment and pure enjoyment in following a creative thought and allowig it to blossom in my mind. Sure, sharing it with others would be a nice bonus ... but I can be happy in my imaginary worlds on my own, too.

Oh! I borrowed the first season of Mr. Robot from the library! I'll start watching that tonight.

I'm out of steam. Take care, ~town! Much love!

~ marcus