12 june 2024
Learnt last sunday that BDR and my aero-space friend started dating. When BDR first told me my heart sank, my chest felt heavy all night, couldn't really think about anything else. That's the first time I ever felt that way because of another person. I sometimes wish that they never got to see each other as much during these last few weeks, jealousy is an ugly beast, after all we're talking about two friends of mine. Besides, it's not like I ever had the balls to try to pursue a romantic relationship with her.
Found this tiktok that quoted Dostoyevsky (tried to look it up and it doesn't seem to actually be a quote of his) that hit really hard:
I am torn between the fear of revealing my feelings and the desire to lay my heart bare before her. What if she doesn't feel the same way? But I cannot suppress this love that burns inside me. I want to be your friend, your companion in this life, and, if fate allows, in the life to come. I want to be your faithful servant. I want to be everything to you. I love you more than anything in the world, and I have suffered more in these two days since I've known it than I did in all the years I've been living on this earth. I don't know why, my darling, but in your presence I became melancholic, and it seems I've lost my tongue. I love you terribly, passionately. My heart races when she looks at me, and et it is a sweet torment that I cannot bear to be without. I long to be with her, to talk to her, to share my world with her in her presence.
I also never shared my all to her, despite having feelings for her, I found it
hard. Despite her sharing experiences of hers that are reserved for a lucky few.
I was blessed to be among these lucky few and despite that decided to keep
myself sealed. I am a coward of the worst kind.
But I'm not selfish enough to deny them both, to aero-space guy and BDR as my friends, a happy relationship. I wish them all the best, at least she's with someone that I know will treat her right.
"Letting go of something or someone is the truest form of love." -Alan Watts
But I really wish I had someone to confide this about, the only one that comes
to mind is the girl with the ajar eyes (the one I really pissed off, entry
2024-05-27), but she's still not going to talk to me, and I doubt she'd want
to have a heart to heart conversation right now. Maybe I'll talk about this with
her once we're on good terms.
Funny how, now that I lost the chance to give it a shoat, because I was too afraid of what BDR might respond to my feelings, I feel the need to share this with the girl with the ajar eyes. Now I don't think I'd find it difficult to share myself.
Fortunately I believe that love is something that is cultivated, it is something you grow together with someone else, be it a friend, a family member or a lover. And since I really didn't have the chance to grow it with BDR (more like I was too afraid to do it) it doesn't hurt as much as it could've (or at least that's what I tell myself).
Don’t love deeply, till you make sure that the other part loves you with the same depth,
because the depth of your love today, is the depth of your wound tomorrow. -Nizar Qabbani
It is this cowardice that made me miss my chance, but it is also the reason it won't hurt as much.
I really wish BDR and aero-space guy the best, and hope that I won't be hurting to much watching from the sideline as they grow their love together...
P.S. If you're a friend of mine or someone that I know IRL, please don't make me
aware that you've read this entry, or that you know of this blog at all. It is
because of the illusion that no one I personally know reads this, that I can
truly write down what I think. I have had instances in the past, an example is
entry 2024-06-09 or 2024-05-27, where I kept myself from writing what
happend or what I felt. Also, if you found out about this blog, please keep it
to yourself.