17 june 2021
Remembered to switch the feels engine over to vim in the settings this time- forgot to do that last feels update and was too tired to go out and in again. So hey, vim!
We've been chipping away at the notes utility on our own computer. Working for the most part, and we've moved it all onto a bash script instead of functions in .bashrc since it's gone beyond the scope of one or two one-liner functions. It needed some proper logic and quite a few if statements, an until loop, and variables. At that point it's better to just make it a script. Once we get it figured out in bash, we might rewrite it in Python as a learning exercise and to see if we can do it better with Python than bash. Already learning quite a bit though- finally getting into using awk a bit out of necessity since we need something more complex than find is letting us do for searching through notes and presenting a single note based on a set of complex criteria. Honestly this would probably be easier in Python at this point but hey, might as well use it as a way to learn more bash and scripting tricks.
Mental health vent incoming, no obligation to read it.
Mental health took a nosedive yesterday. Doing okay today, but we were in bad enough shape yesterday that Kaz had to keep booting us out of front for our own safety. Not a good time. Depression, our old nemesis! We thought you were gone! At least we remember how to deal with it. Thank goodness for having had therapy in the past. Mental healthcare for SMI around here is complete crap, but it's pretty okay for depression. Now if only there were a therapist willing to work with systems around here whose information isn't littered with red flags. We could use the help sometimes. We've basically been going our own with trauma and intrasystem relationship issues for 2-3 years now because no one in this area is open to treating systems because they don't feel qualified- which is fair, but really frustrating. People tell you to go to therapy for trauma, but what do you do when therapists refuse to even attempt to treat you? We've been bootstrapping our own mental health support and being each other's therapists, which is really shitty. It's hard to sit there and deal with someone else in your head who's flipping their shit over something that happened over a decade ago while trying not to let something similar also get to you and trying not to get depressed or freak out over what you're hearing from them. Usually it turns into a mutual freakfest while someone else keeps their distance and mentally does the equivalent of "there, there" backpatting. I guess we're just sick of not being able to get any help because the professionals around here are horrible with anything more than depression and simple anxiety. They just don't handle it well, if at all. Honestly we've been fucked up more by mental health professionals around here in a few cases and we're kind of scared of psychiatrists now because of bad experiences with them. Heck, we went to one when we were kids and despite being depressed enough to bite ourselves as self-harm, he just said we needed to go outside more. We played outside all the time already. Does that give you an idea of how bad it is here with mental healthcare? We've made more progress treating ourselves than we have in therapy or with medication. Ugh.