26 july 2021
Finally took the leap and reinstalled to encrypt our laptop- should have done that the first time, but oh well. Everything is set up the way it was now and much cleaner. Thank goodness for documenting all the changes we made and keeping good backups! Up and running about an hour after install with most of what we need. Worrying that we may have missed something but it doesn't seem like it. And if we did, we'll be reminded when we need it.
Felt really angry last night at a pattern in our life. Friendships turn into us being the caretaker of the other person without getting much, if anything, in return. We give everything we have until we break. It's exhausting but when we try to avoid it and keep distance, we don't feel any emotional intimacy with other people and it's lonely. I don't know what we can do about that. Either we don't connect or we connect too much. There's no winning. I know there must be some sort of middle ground, but we've yet to find it. On the plus side, that's the first time I've felt anger in at least a year, if not longer. I'm usually blocked off from that emotion. It was too dangerous to feel when we were a kid and I never had access to it as protection. But now I struggle to feel it when I need to, which means I struggle a lot with boundaries. Usually I just get sad.
Not much happened otherwise today. Anxious because we have a lot to do tomorrow, but I know it'll be fine and we can get through it all. Plus, tamales for lunch make life much better. I absolutely adore bean tamales. Honestly, I would eat the tamales even if they weren't filled with anything.