03 august 2021
Pretty uneventful day. It's godawful hot, but nothing much is going on, so not much gets done. I think maybe we cuddled a cat at some point? IDK, I don't remember most of today and I'm just here answering emails and chucking something in the feels.
Feeling kind of angry right now, not sure why. I just am. I don't know what pissed me off or if anything pissed me off at all, but I've got heartburn and some part of me deep down is really, really mad at the world. Oh well, so be it. It is what it is. It'll just simmer until it goes away. It doesn't feel like a "right now" kind of anger, more like an older one. It's hard to explain. Pissed off at the past, I guess? At the actions of someone years and years ago, and their continued choices in the present? I don't know. I'm making my best guess here. I just want to punch a wall but that's a very bad idea.
Supposedly have a cavity filling tomorrow. Ugh, mouth needles. I refuse to be around for that. Someone else here is going to have to take care of it.
Deleted a rant for comfort, but I think leaving a summary is reasonable. I got the anger out and figured out where it came from.
TL;DR: executive dysfunction sucks; also, I wish we could be more independent than we are without having a mental breakdown and burning out into being suicidal. We need a lot of support in daily life (crazy, I know- we can debug a kernel issue but can't make ourselves shower and have rather troublesome sensory and social issues) and I'm just tired of it all. I hate being stuck between "profoundly special needs" and "highly capable" because people only ever see one or the other. Either we get support for our limitations but have our strengths denied, or have our strengths recognized but no one lets us have supports.
The morning guy is probably going to wake up to do feels and be like "wtf happened last night?" but y'know what? I deserve to write my own angry feels and he can just deal with it. Nothing wrong with getting angry as long as nobody gets hurt.
Also, don't ask who I am. I have no idea. I'm not the morning guy, not the kid, may or may not be a part of Kaz but unsure about that. Identity is mush.
Also, "#d" in Vim is a lifesaver for deleting large chunks of text. 40-odd lines in a blink.