19 august 2021
Didn't sleep well at all- just couldn't be tired and get to sleep. Passed out somewhere around 6:30 or 7 AM and just woke up at about 2 PM. I swear our sleep schedule is drifting. I'm exhausted right now. I think part of that is we need to eat and drink something, but I'm still very tired at the moment. Not much is going to get done like this.
I've started questioning my spiritual beliefs. I've been learning more about Islam by asking some Muslim friends because it's a big gap in my knowledge, and it feels like it clicks in a way religion hasn't before. I need to think about this more and gather more information because I feel very torn. I know at least one of the others is also interested, and at least one is opposed to the idea of possibly converting, and that makes things more complicated on top of the usual "what beliefs feel right to me, what sort of deity do I think exists, does this religion or belief make sense to me and feel like something I want to believe/like the right choice?" A lot of Islam feels right to me, but at the same time there are some relatively minor parts that don't, and there are parts of my current beliefs that feel right as well. I don't know what to do other than keep thinking on things and figuring it out. It'll turn out all right in the end.
I'd normally chuck my spiel in at the end (schpiel? I've only ever heard it pronounced, not spelled) but it's relevant to the last paragraph and I feel like I should interject here and get it over with. For clarity, Kaz typing, not the last guy.
I can respect questioning spiritual beliefs, but I don't think Islam is the right choice. I respect it as a religion but I don't think it fits him or the rest of us. I think he's seeking comfort and structure, which is fine, but that he's also looking at it in a biased way that'll fall apart. There's a reason we aren't a part of any organized religions. They feel too controlling and forceful, even the ones that are supposed to be peaceful. They tell you what to believe and how to feel instead of asking you to question, and that's a dangerous way to go about things imo. If you can't ask questions, you can't evaluate where you're at or find something better. Yeah, Islam has a loving god who isn't going to chuck everyone in hell for existing, or do something off-the-wall. Neat. But that's not enough for a belief system to feel right, at least in my opinion. The rest has to be right too. A loving god defines a hell of a lot of religions and I think he needs to ask a lot more questions about the beliefs as opposed to the practices. IDK, I just think he's not really mulling it over enough and wants to dive in the deep end like always. The guy doesn't do things halfway, haha. He gets something in his head and takes off sprinting towards it, even if it's a questionable idea. It's gotten us in trouble before.
Okay, maybe I think Islam is... okay? Definitely elements of it are. But again, he needs to think about it more and really consider what it means to convert, what beliefs he'd be giving up that he considers a core part of how he sees the world. He's got quite a lot of pagan beliefs (as do I, though idk how different we are there) that are major comforts for him, not to mention the whole witchcraft thing. Islam is pretty explicitly against that and he hasn't really considered that. Really, I'm just yelling at him for not thinking this through enough. Sure, consider converting, but also weigh that against our life and consider whether it feels better than our current beliefs. And consider the bad parts too, the aspects that you don't like or disagree with. Figure out what you want to do with that, because there will be things we disagree with for certain, and what do you want to make of them? You can't just discard them. They're there. You have to find a way to either change to accept them, or rationalize them away and try to make peace with doing something you're not supposed to, and it's not a good situation. I mean, for crying out loud, tattoos. We have more planned and find body customization to be decently important as a way to mark where we've been and who we are, and that's a hard no from Islam. There's more. Think those things through too instead of idealizing, okay? Give it the full thought a decision of this weight deserves. This is a big life change to consider and it needs a lot of thought with minimal bias.
Alright, that's my lecture done. He's probably never going to read it, haha. I'll chuck it in our personal notes and hope he sees it there if he doesn't look here. He should see it there at some point, especially since I think he knows I'm writing this. Maybe.
Anyway, I'll let you get back to reading the rest of what he wrote. He wrote it all in one burst but I just wanted to shove this here so it was right next to the context.
Found out that a collective member we thought had integrated into someone else is still around as himself. I'll be honest, not sure how to feel about it. He was out the last two days and repeatedly expressed not wanting to exist and being depressed. I'm worried about him. Trying to help him as much as we can and it's hard because he doesn't believe he deserves to be happy. Depression is a tricky thing. He also completely missed the last 8 months of our life, so that's one heck of a catch-up to do. He doesn't want to know most of it though, and with 2020 being what it was, I can't blame him. I think most of us have half-blocked that whole year out after March.
He updated our personal site. Good changes, kudos to him. Added his own page, a page for someone that definitely wouldn't write their own but is okay being listed (and frankly should be listed), and tweaked an explanation on the About page to make it make more sense. Oh, for clarity, not our town site. Our Neocities site. That could get mixed- up but the Neocities site is linked from our town site, so you'll get there eventually.
He found a song that gets a strong emotional response. Good music too. Unfold by Porter Robinson. Not what I usually go for but I like it.