20 february 2022
Sunday morning. Partner is at work. I got all day to do whatever I want. But I feel frustrated already, because I don't really know what I want to do. The same feeling I've talked about previously. For some reason does the satisfaction in all my ongoing projects falter, and I feel like I should do something better, something more important, something that will make me more happy.
Wish I knew what that would be.
I can't keep longing for having more spare time but when I actually have it, I feel worse than I if I didn't. Suffering from this strange contradiction: at age 25 I feel like I should be doing more, but I'm unable to actually spend time and think deeply about anything. Create art, write, play the piano, everything feels shallow and insignificant. Constantly, I think that if I just find the right thing, this will change, but I don't think it will. I've tried so much: playing the piano, writing, making my own music, creating generative art, web design, etc, and it all fades after a while. Something else need to change.
Writing this later today: somehow I managed to achieve a decent calm. I did some writing, worked on a web project, did not make great progress, but it felt nice. I was able to take a step back and just enjoy this sunday. I played the piano, I drank (a lot of) tea. Now, I will move to the couch and do some reading. The sky outside is beautifully gray -- just a colorless wall, the faded city below. I feel alright.