24 february 2022
And so there's war in Europe.
Of course, not a minute of my life has been spent in a world without war. But all of a sudden it's nearby, and it directly involves Europe and powerful actors of the western world. This is the first time it's truly tangible. This is the first time escalation, mandatory military service, economical turmoil, are serious worries.
And well, I'm lucky to get to worry about these things, and not about being bombed in my home town, any moment now.
Going to a rave on saturday. I haven't been to a rave since before corona -- there's been multiple years. A couple of friends and I used to go quite often (as in, one or two times a month). We'd stay out until the morning and do the usual rave stuff. Drink, smoke, trip out. Returning home to bed at 5 or 6 in the morning, exhausted but unable to sleep. Always lost the day after to brain fog and tiredness. Most of the times it was worth it. I had a great time, went to interesting places, listened to pounding music, loosing myself, in a good way.
I didn't stop going entirely because of corona. My friends still went occasionally, especially during the calmer periods. But I didn't. I had a partner now, I had hobbies that required focus and dedication, I had (since 6months) a full-time job. Staying out all night felt... cumbersome, not worht it, unappealing. So I just didn't.
In my core, I think I enjoy a still, controlled life. That may sound boring, but what I mean is that I don't need dramatic adventures to feel satisfied. Or, I didn't really think I did. But the last couple of months I've felt, well, bored, tired and dissatisfied.
What I really need is clear goals, a fulfilling project, and better priorities, not a rave. But well, you take what you get. And stillness and all, even if you prefer it, you can't have it all the time -- you wouldn't want to.