23 february 2019
My reading week is almost over, and I have realized that my birthday is coming soon, on March 3rd, so that's great! :) I should probably start making plans for something on Saturday, since March 3rd is on a Sunday. Sadly it is too late to see my longtime friend at the library, since she will have to start heading back tomorrow :( I feel horrible for not even heading there this week, but if it makes me feel better, she takes way too long to reply and that I probably wouldn't have seen her there. I'm just too scared to ask anyone anymore, it sucks, why can't they ask me anymore? I'm so horribly lonely and I'm tired of making plans with people that will indevitably cancel on me because they have more things in life that helps them enjoy it.
I feel a lot for my friends, and I would do anything for them. I love them all. I feel that they don't feel the same way for me, because they have more important people to love. They have community, and I don't have that. I don't know what it's like to feel like a member of a community, not even online. I wish I can talk to them about this, but every time I care more about what they have to say, and it never gets deep enoungh where I can feel comfortable with explaining how I feel. nobody gives a crap man :( My sisters hate my and my family sucks, they never listen about what I want to do, which is to discover more about myself. I'm tired of fantasizing about leaving everyone behind and enjoying the last of my days in Korea. I would finally get to see a different socieity, different ways of doing things and what it is like to truely see something new and exciting. Any place outside of Calgary is something I would see through rosey lenses. Repitition has ruined my life, my parents just take advantage of the fact that they know I am too scared to do a lot of big things by myself, when these pricks made my life so fucking repetitive that I couldn't even try something new and bold like watching a new show, or getting back to playing a video game. The first time that I actually went somewhere without my parents was to see that same longtime friend back in grade 10. A simple 2 minute walk to the library, it was a big deal for me, but I was willing to do it for a friend, because I love my friends. When I retuned my dad and sisters mocked me, while my mom contiunes to do absolutely nothing about this at all. Fuck them all. These bastards contribute to my pain, my fears and my crippled motiviation. I don't remember the last time that I felt truely at rest. I can't do the things that I want to do anymore. I just want to have fun and enjoy life with my friends that I love.