28 october 2019
1:15AM: Today I'll miss the quietness that I am expereancing right now. It's the only time that I get it really. Maybe I am hoping that a friend from The Phillipines will message me at around 2AM, or another friend that lives here. Either way the silence is great, and I'm lucky to have a Raspberry Pi so I don't have to hear the fans on my actual PC which are kinda loud in my opinion. Yesterday when I was still trying to sleep my parents got into an argument or some shouting match over some little weather screen or some nerdy nonsense. Good men never get proper sleep in this house, and then I'd have to listen to the enterity of CNN or Bill Mahar or some other crappy neoliberal propaganda being played from the living room, and I can here this entire thing all the way upstairs with the door closed (or almost closed). I mean it's nice the Macbook Pros have some nice loud speakers on them but christ man put on some damn headphones. You could at least lower the volume when it's just the sound of people cutting wood (seriously?!)!
If my life wasn't such an uncertain mess, I would've already left. it's a tradegy that there isn't free housing, especially for the people that need them the most. I think people underestimate how much a new space can vastly improve people's mental health. A place that they can finally feel productive, a quiet place that helps people relax. A non-hostile enviroment that you'll feel safe, and comfortable to share your problems. A place where you have a sense of privacy and can meet with doctors who can help you (hopefully) A motherfucking goddamn breakfast where you're not mentally bombarded with NOISY BULLSHIT FROM CNN AND THE RADIO THAT YOU CAN'T COMPREHEND WHAT THE FUCKS GOING ON WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO EAT YOUR EGGS. I've managed to put up with this for basically my whole life, but now suddenly I can't do this anymore. I remembered about a month ago, oh yeah I actually have autism and that the senses can become overwhelmed. But then I realized that my parents never gave a single fuck about making my life any easier, and never get over my rare violent outbursts that only happen when they very obviously piss me off and annoy me so :)))) yee Also my body feels stiff a lot of the time, especially on the shoulders.
I feel that I never felt a state of complete rest, of zero stress in a long time. It's like certain structures in physics: always under stress, but it is unable to collape.