30 december 2019
Back on the 27th, I gave my crush her Christmas gifts. I gave her a copy of 1984 and a pretty purple Pilot fountain pen. Seeing her laughter and joy as she seen the gifts made me feel very happy :) We had fun trying to find her specific 30 ring B5 notebook/binder and the certain line dot grid paper to go with it. She went through three copies of 1984 and somehow they all got destryoed, one got soaked, another lost and she doesn't know what happened to the other one lmao. So I was like hey let's give her another chance XD
My Christmas went okay, I didn't get to do much and my presents didn't feel like they were "for" me if that makes any sense. It was somewhat disappointing. Though I felt better when giving her the gifts because I did my best to listen to her interests. My feelings are quite strong and I can't even get myself to even practice admitting my feelings to her by myself. I am still scared of ruining a friendship. I am genuinely concerned of crying, or choking and losing breath just trying to speak or getting rejected or whatever. I could just send a lengthy email but I've always sent the people I liked a lengthy message and want to actually talk about it in person and face it head on. Honestly I have never talked to anyone I know about this, and I wouldn't know who to trust. Do I trust her? Absolututely, I guess. Well if I did trust her I would've already said something, which was a thought I already agreed with when I thought about this trusting thing the last time.
If this all fucks up than I would lose the one in a billion friendship I have, the one that made living 17 years straight worth waiting for. My best friend, one that helped me see my own heart.