31 may 2021
Well, here I am again. Today it's raining, and pleasantly cool. I used to think I was really into cloudy days, but in practice they just make me sleepy. To my eternal chagrin, I need the sun. I don't like it either. But hot weather wakes my wild heart, and hot dry weather makes me feel lean and hungry, like a coyote.
It doesn't help that my skin burns to a crisp in about fifteen minutes.
But today was wet and overcast, and it felt good this time. It made me think maybe I could tolerate moving to Seattle. Everyone is in Seattle these days. My spouse has a predilection toward gloomy weather, so it would be better for her. For me, I'm not sure. My mental health hasn't been too good for years, really, so maybe it wouldn't make a difference. Or maybe it would be the thing that finally sends me over the side of a bridge. I'm hardy stock, and the last therapist I saw told me I seemed to be coping well, and there wasn't much she could do to help me. That disgusted me a little. Of course I'm coping well. Everyone's coping well until they're not. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Without a real support system I feel pretty fragile. We had some local acquaintances who all flew the coop during the pandemic, so it's just my spouse and me. She's been pretty fragile, too.
I'm too old to be living my life as a china doll. I think of moving but I'm not really convinced things would be different anywhere else. In practice if I moved, I'd have to end up somewhere with friends I know would make time for me, and I don't think even the most well-intentioned people can promise that. People my age have busy lives. That's why we don't make friends anymore.
Sorry this is a dark one, folks. It wasn't even a particularly bad day.