23 august 2021
I get what people mean when they say that you shouldn't identify too much with your creative output for self-worth. I get that. But at the same time I've already ingrained it so deeply into my model of social interaction that I don't know what else I have to offer. The peacock's tail is a means to attract interest, a way to be seen by others. I've always been an ugly duckling, but instead of growing into an elegant swan, I'm just a mousy female mallard, adapted to be invisible.
I always thought I'd be a swan, but it never happened. So I have to make do with what I have. If no one sees you, how on earth are you supposed to start relationships that you can build? Social relationships seem to be built so much on the spaghetti hypothesis: throw a lot at the wall, and very little sticks. How can that be successful without something to draw people to you? Better yet, the kind of people you'd prefer to know?
My parents always said I was too picky about my friends. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm a snob and an asshole. I dunno, I don't think I am, but I get kinda bored with people I don't mesh with. When I get bored I have a hard time hiding it. That's gotta feel shitty to whoever's on the other end of it. But I know I'm boring now, too. I don't have anything to talk about. I've been working from home for over a year now and doing little besides talking to my partner and my pets. What's there except for the peacock tail? What else do I have to open up my world?
I saw some jokey article a short while ago about how everyone knows a person whose best trait is being "nice." And that what that really means is that this person is boring. No one really wants to spend time with someone who is boring. Being not-boring isn't the end-all of being a person worth knowing, but it feels like a starting point of making people give a shit about knowing you.
I guess that's it. I want people to be interested. I want people to want to know me. I don't want to always be the one trying to get other people's attention. That is why I'm so invested in my creative output. I think the people who say otherwise maybe already have all the friends they want.