22 october 2021
Hey there, folks. It's been a while. If I'm being frank, I feel like there has been very little to write about. I don't know if anyone even reads this blog, but there's appeal in that in and of itself.
Being mostly stuck at home the last few weeks after injuring my foot, I've been even more inside my own head than I already was. It's harder to escape that without a significant ability to exercise or go outside or get away from screens. At the same time, it's been uneventful; I didn't realize how much time had passed until a couple of relatives called. I had been trying to call every couple weeks, but I didn't. I can't even say what I've been doing. Besides work, I've just been watching TV and playing video games. I'm in stasis.
At least now I'm out of the boot and crutches. I'm engaged in physical therapy to regain function in my ankle. It's dull but it's an improvement.
I'm still trying to decide how I want to present myself online. It's an ongoing struggle. For anyone else I suppose it would be easy, just to not present oneself online, but I must admit to myself that online communities have been a huge part of my social life for a long time. It's a minefield now, though. It's like... how much of yourself should you really put out there? I don't think it's a uniformly good thing to share things about yourself. At the same time it is absolutely vital in order to feel like you exist. And in order to meet other people. As an artist it's also the best way to get noticed.
I've been trying to fragment my identity more, but it is honestly hard. I always have the nagging feeling that I'm leaving too many breadcrumbs, that it will be too easy for someone to decide to ruin my life, and do it. There are so many examples of people whose lives have been ruined--not the powerful people who complain about being "canceled" or people who get fired for being sexist and immediately hop onto the right-wing outrage media circuit. I'm thinking of artists getting stalked by fans, or the game developer whose angry ex's blog post kicked off Gamergate. The various forums dedicated to collecting dirt on people. Any attempt to exist in public makes you a public figure now. Who on earth would want fame without riches?