20 may 2022
Hey folks, it's been a bit. Again. If it's any consolation, I've been neglecting my handwritten journal, too. I'm not sure what it is, but I've felt less inclined to write things down, in spite of myself. Part of the question is always "What is there to write down?"
I have been trying to take more walks, even as we skip spring and fall directly into summer in the western United States. It's a good method for keeping my head on in trying times. I needn't mention that all news seems bad these days. I feel terrifically alienated, still, but I'm making an effort on that front. I've been exploring a couple of dating apps geared toward polyamorous and queer people, and I've got a tentative date with someone this weekend, which is exciting. I think it's easier, in general, to make friends with oddballs than with normies. Plus I'm both poly and partnered, and it always seemed like a dealbreaker when trying to meet people on more general dating apps. At least for anything more than a one-night stand, which isn't really something I'm interested in. The guy I'm meeting is poly and partnered, too, so at least we're starting off on equal footing. Even if we wind up devoid of chemistry, maybe we can be friends.
I ordered my first binder, which arrived today. I have a fraught relationship with gender in general--I think I'm best described as gender fluid, something indefinable swishing around the spectrum. I'm not feeling that boyish today, but I had to try it on. It reminds me of a Thundershirt, those snug shirts that are sold to comfort dogs that get terrified during storms. I don't know that it alleviated any dysphoria, but I felt very ready to weather the Fourth of July fireworks.
I'd like to experiment with a more masculine presentation. Need to wait until I'm in the right spirits for it, though.