21 december 2018
i want to fall asleep and not wake up. i've been trained that that qualifies as suicidal ideation, language like that. but i dont feel suicidal. i just dont want to exist for a little while. i want to sleep until i leave this house and go back home. i want to sleep until i can see my cat and my partner again. that sounds so much more peaceful than this pain right now. everything hurts and i hate them so much. i hate that they refuse me agency and respect at every turn. i have to beg for each little bit of freedom. tonight it was decided that i, a 21 year old college graduate, am required to call them every week. required. like a fucking child. sometimes, i see my friends have normal interactions with their parents, and it feels like a black hole opens up inside me. just a big, empty darkness that feels like nothing and like pain and like hatred and like loss all at once. can i mourn a relationship with my parents that ive never had? that's all too complicated, and hurts to much to think about. falling asleep is so much easier.