26 december 2018
it's christmas. it's christmas and i miss my partner. the holidays are so hard because everyone is talking about how you should be spending time with your loved ones but i can't be with him and i'm stuck with people who wouldn't love me if they knew the real me. i spent all day yesterday crying. the holidays hurt.
but i don't wanna talk about that tonight. i wanna talk about him, cause i don't have anywhere where i just talk about the things i love about him. i'm all about specifics. i always want to know what, specifically, people like or love about me.
I love his gentle eyes, and his puffy blonde hair. i like it when it's messy. i like the way he looks when he's thinking. i love the gentle scratch of his scruff. there's no better sound than his laugh, and his smile fills me with warmth.
i love watching his hands - when he's coding, or writing, or building, or holding me.
i love listening to him ramble about his latest passion, even if i can't always understand it. i love hearing him get so excited about something. he's so smart. he's tackled so many projects and works hard at them. he doesn't give up easily.
he cares about the world so much. even when i'm tired and don't have the energy to engage with it all anymore, even when i've given up and can't process how shitty everything is, he's still angry. he's still looking for ways to fight. even if he doesn't know how to fight, he's looking, even when i've quit.
i know that, in him, i have a partner who supports every facet of my identity. that i can learn and grow and change. i have a partner who will fight injustice with me for the rest of our lives. but also a partner who will sit down with a cup of tea at the end of the day and play with our cat.
watching him talk to our cat is the cutest thing. i guess i understand why people get baby fever after watching their partner play with kids - he's so gentle and silly and dorky, it's a side i don't see often. i love it.
i love him. it's been almost a year and a half, and i still get giddy when i look at him sometimes. i still think about how lucky i am to share his day. and when i don't have him, it's like part of myself is gone. i'm emptier. muted and quiet and everything is so much harder.
i can't wait to see him again.