28 december 2018
today was weird. i woke up to the possibility that my mother might drop me off at my apartment, and i was horrifically anxious at the thought of her invading my space, my safe space that i've built free of her, or her finding the things ive hidden. im still terrified of her knowing that im queer.
ive been reading about Toxic Parents, specifically, The Controller. it is my mother to a T. its nice to be validated in my frustration but also deeply uncomfortable to see my relationship with my parents so succinctly pared down and splayed out in generic detail. its uncomfortable to see my own issues spelled out so clearly, even if ive had enough therapy to already know how my relationship with my mother has affected me. there is some peace to knowing that others have moved past this, so maybe i can too.
ive ended the day with the strong possibility that i will simply fly from florida to virginia by myself, eliminating my parents from the travel equation entirely. this is much better, although im trying not to get my hopes up until the tickets are bought.
i just want to see my cat and my partner again. to be back in the safe home ive built for myself, outside of her shadow. once it hits midnight, i'll have 17 days until i see my partner. 5 until i see my cat. 4 until i leave florida and am free for another few months.
once im back, ill work on essays for my grad applications and apply to new jobs for next year. im not looking forward to going through that process again. i know that ill be okay though, and as long as i have my boi, everything will turn out okay. 17 days. 5 days. 4 days.