02 january 2021
i don't feel like i ever manage to be happy. nor to feel normal, not normal as in integrated, or similar to others, but physiologically normal.
i never feel normal, determined, happy. i never have any energy nor any resolve to go outside of my comfort zone. i don't know. i'm just tired of this. my mother wrote to me again. but this time i feel like my attention's plummeted. i don't feel the need to answer. i don't know what i'm looking for. what i want to see, what'll make me better. but like this i feel like days go by and i don't do ANYTHING.
take today. i woke up. went onto tilde.town. checked my irc mentions. ate lunch, took a train, and now i'm here. all these things are separate, not sewn together. or patchworked. there's no coherence to my life, no cut i'm following, no texture, no colour. i'm a haze and i'm in a haze, always.
i've stopped writing, first in french and now in english. i don't see the point. 2021 is starting terribly, to be honest. i feel like giving up on school and work and everything, life even. that's not new but now i feel like since i've gotten through 2020 i can give up entirely in 2021, which, in turn, just makes me more and more depressed. i've gotta find a way outta here. but i don't know if i can anymore. i feel like i've gone past this tipping point, like if i was rocking back and forth on a chair or letting myself sink into wet sand on the beach, where i can't actually get out anymore, and where i realise i'm going to fall backwards. like a point of no return.
i've found a good allegory of my situation with people i love, and vis-à-vis myself even, in dani's situation in "the haunting of hill house". there's this undead person, my past, something i've tried to escape, something i've fought, something i always think i've vanquished, and i live in constant fear of when that void will catch up to me. "i'm not sure how much time i've got left".
god, these are depressing.
they don't have to be. i've planted a sweet potato in water today, in two halves, and i'm hoping to get a new plant friend. i've always kinda liked botany. i really want this to work, to have a little plant to talk to/with and go mad with. i'll feed it ketamine-actually nvm plants can't get high. that'd be cool though. a friend who'll stay and i don't have to worry about. until it dies.