04 january 2021
fragments from oulipian thoughts:
i saw a bird unbound today.
i think of iconography, and what will stay of my work on this orb at hours of my passing.
i want to build. through writing, or loving, but to build an altar, a fanum, to pray to what i lost and for what i will find.
i stay conscious, but for what, for whom? dark days past and coming.
sorry.
what is normalcy?
i'm tired of this. here's some writing.
today i feel abyssine gazing down, and a mirror it looks back i want to dive-what holds me backwards i keep walking-i don't want to die! i do!
i dreamt once that i was trying to jump off a cliff to escape my father.
he was a monster. whatever. you know how dreams are. can't be too real or they actually get scary.
cause that's what's scary right? the possibility of being real. that i could be real. that's scary. and yet in my feels i talked once about how i'd like to feel real. (oxy)moronic of me.
....
..
.
i think i'm breaking up with my best friend. who might as well be my only friend. and it seems poetry and writing made sense when i was still hopeful. i've fallen down now though (and i can't get up).
dark feels man. TW: suicide
kill me.
i feel like my life is in italics constantly. like i'm quoting someone else, or quoting sentences from my past. that's how i feel, actually. like i'm stuck in some past and somebody else's directing cas's life, and i'm just going along. like i'm inert. that way i don't feel responsible, i guess.
i wonder if somebody's going to read these one day. maybe if i'm dead they will. pretty sure i'm more disturbing than---anything, really. anything and everything.
god.
ๆใกใใ, if you're really gone, know i'll love you forever. especially if i'm gone (i know they arent going to read these)
if they leave me that means i was hurting them since the beginning.....
right?
...
..
...right?