05 january 2021
so it looks like i've gotten through that patch with ๆใกใใ. i'm having trouble believing that but hey. i'm always surprised people aren't leaving. i'm so glad i didn't fuck this up permanently, i guess.
i've stopped writing. lately i've been making my own ideograms, i'd like to make some for intranslateable words
like schadenfreude and agnosthesia and that feeling i get where i wait and i wait because i think it's too late
but it isn't actually too late but then what if now it's too late? so i wait some more and turns out it wasn't too late
but what about now? among others.
heyyy friendo! just wanna give you a quick trigger warning for what's below. if you're as down as i am you probably won't care about it but here goes: self-deprecation, depression, abandonment anxiety and shitting on holistic psychology.
looks like i'm still fascinated by linguistics. but what i love is poetry, and writing, and oh my god i hate seeing one-line "poems" being featured everywhere. like bro u wrote an aphorism. not the same thing. and they're always the same and i hate this holistic approach to life so much. lemme try some
love others as they love you
why though? it's so fucking dumb. just be sad. these are trying to appeal to the demographic of mentally ill people but you know what appeals to us? to us unhealthy feckers? this is what your aphorisms sound like, and this is what i hear
others don't love you, so why should you?
if it wasn't such a huge trigger warning i'm sure an account like that would have a lot of success. except people don't want to show that they're doing poorly so they share "you are beautiful" on their stories. they try to convince themselves that others will think that about them. god this is depressing. except i actually don't believe that other quote. i think people do love me, even though i'm unlovable.
akira said my superhero alliterative name is Prozac Paradox and i think that sounds lit. and accurate. i'm prozac paradox babyyy. convinced people are both gone and going away, that they both don't care and care enough not to want to hurt me.
thank god i'm not paranoid as well. if i had no one to depend on i think i'd probably be gone
and now.... the mandatory sweet potato update!
satsu-san has grown a small bud with reddish, greenish leaves i can start to tell apart. tiny bud but they're growing. tsuma-san had grown a lot of small roots, so i guess satsu was the right way up. btw they're all the mitosis children of satsuma-sensei, the japanese sweet potato i cut in half. this one is a test i'd say, even though i don't like talking about my plants like that. i've got a japanese supermarket near me so i can get another one once i figure out if they really do grow, and if so, what side is up.
good night. just make it through the night i guess.
dark nights. and darker days. not even dark anymore just gray