08 january 2021
i feel like i'm losing my mind.
i don't know how to describe this feeling in an orderly fashion, with proper syntax, so i'll just give it a stream-of-consciousness polish (ulysses <3)
i look into the abyss and the abyss looks back i feel alone only i see with these eyes these are the only ones i'll ever have what am i doing and why if society doesnt exist why am i still here waiting waiting waiti- for whar? doing tasks mechanically without thinking or just the minimum, nnot thinking about how this makes no sense and akira told me theyll love me if i love if i live or die i don't what why is this happening how can i take control i feel like i'm taken in my the storm, by the maelstrom, i'm being sucked in tick tock tick tock i'm losing my mindand theres no one nnor anythinng to help me keep it
as always, confusing, then again it's the product of my cluttered and blurry mind so what did i expect. more orderly than i'd expected. i feel like my whole life is stream-of-consciousness. I can't take a step back, ever, and i'm just busy doing my silly little tasks.
i haven't cleaned the mold off satsu-san. it's probably too late. i'm going to create the word for that feeling when it's not yet too late but you always feel like it's too late before you realise that it wasn't too late but it's probably too late now until you figure out that actually no it' wasn't yet to late but what about now? because typing that out is automatic and mechanical, like all i do these days but i need a word.
{dictionary of obscure sorrows}
i've stopped writing. my mother's answered me though.
i think i'm going to write a long letter to all the people i've ever thought about in secret ways, revealing my secrets, that way they'll know all i thought of them and they'll choose if i was a good person or not, if i'm worth mourning.
does anyone read these? i feel selfish, like i'm using up this space to talk to myself about myself.
i need to get out. akira said they would always love me whatever i chose. the one secret i've kept from them is that they've saved my life time and time again and they're the reason i keep going. fuck man.
they said it's easy to die, and if i'm still here it's that something is holding me back
and it's people. those i love, and those who still love me.
but if i'm actually alone in the world ontologically, if i'm the only perspective that i'll ever know, that falls apart.
am i raving like a madman? i feel like i'm going insane.