15 january 2021
i cant do this anymore
i'm trapped in my mind
my dreams tempt me with eyes that aren't mine
a life that isn't mine
a mind and a body and a soul that aren't mine
they make me see myself, but alive
living, truly living
i just want to see my own world fall apart
but i can't do anything anymore
i can't hide in nightmares
i can't look myself in the mirror
i can't see anything
my dreams show me what it's like
to love and know and show and tell
to be able to
to write and read and say and hear
and feel inner and outer worlds and myself
breathing, not like i'm separate from the world
i can't find solace anymore
i can't recognize the words i write
nor the letters nor the stories
because there are none
i'm the not yet dead
and the no longer living
flip a coin and i'd be either
just to get out of here
i can't hide in the superficial
pretty moments, when i laugh
anymore. i can't try to dream
fall asleep awake
because what's real is still real
and it will be as long as i'm here
why do i try
why do i still try