17 january 2021
i feel like the snow
just a star, two-dimensional,
with no weight, dragged down only by
some dark winds, and melting in
the sunlight before i can find repose
i can't write anymore.
yesterday i had a really intense breakdown
realising how i'm fundamentally just a big
amalgamate of pain and sorrow
i'm just a sorry person
i was aggressive to sosi, and 明, and eugénie
but they're still here....what does that say about me?
probably good things
but i can't see them anymore
it's like my vision has been tinted by absinthe
yellow and swirly and i can't tell what's yellow
and what's white apart, nor does anything look straight
i'm holding on but i don't know why.
i'm afraid of people wanting to help me because
i know things don't work out for me. but 明 sure
was reassuring yesterday.
and then i got drunk on ouzo. not my brightest hour,
but my stepbrother was having a party and i was
coming to terms with how antisocial and isolated i am
you can't see this if you're not reading this from
~town, but my lines are broken by &60;br&62; tags and
it's like it breaks my thoughts into equally long
pieces. i don't know if it's an accurate
representation of my thoughts and my process
because my thoughts are like a long long line that never ends and goes beyond reasonable bounds and doesn't stop and doesnt have any pauses to catch my breath nor punctuation to be expressive it's just words