22 january 2021
fragments from the border-lines
and now i'm full of ideas and i just don't know how to formulate them.
i feel like that's a good example of how my borderline mind works these days. i think borderline personality disorder is a good descriptor, semantics-wise. i do feel like i'm on a borderline, like i'm standing on a tightrope between two cliffs. i can feel the abyss just writing about it. more often than not i actually feel like i've fallen off the rope,— or like i'm holding on by my exsanguine fingers, their articulations jarring and angular, their skin yellowish from the tension, and my fingerprints burning from the friction of the cold metal wire i'm holding on by. you know that kind of metal rope.
the two cliffs are "pain and rapture" to quote Tame Impala: they're absolute bliss and self-blindness, loving people to the absolute highest degree, doing things, being confident and ready to take risks... and then they're also pain. sadness. cumha. melancholia. depression. suicide. psychosis. loneliness. isolation. darkness. abandonment. destruction. a good half of my vocabulary is synonyms and proxinyms of pain. right now i've one foot on the rope and another one on the sturdy yet scorched earth of the cliff of pain. i'm not sure which foot i'm balanced on, if there is one at all. i've half a mind to jump off the cliff—i just realised how weird the word "cliff" actually is— in all senses of the phrase, metaphorical and literal.
相思 told me he thinks my writing is nice to read. i'm happy for that. i miss him, which is weird considering we haven't ever formally met. i'm not giving up, though. one day......
i want to write about/using the metaphors of kanji and their radicals, how i love being lost even though i don't want to and i don't know what being lost, and loss itself, means, and erisianism. i already evoked Eris in my last feels post, in that small poem i wrote. all i can think, or say, or write at this point (i need to stop saying "at this point" and say "today" or "tonight" instead, try to work on my language patterns; i'm thinking of building an experimental philosophical language to help me with that) is fragments.
how about erasure poetry? it seems like an easy thing to do, which isn't necessarily a plus for me. as edgy as that seems i don't want to make easy two-line poems that get half a million likes on instagram that just go like "i'll wait for you / to wait for yourself" or some bullshit of the like. my verse is also too verbose, i think , so idk i might experiment with that.
i love 明 so fucking much. if you're reading this, 好きだ、アキラちゃん。i should make more "Miru-kun and Akira-chan do X" drawings, they seem to like them. they're such a good friend. i'm going to miss them so much next year, i know it; but they assure me we'll stay connected, and i'm trying my best to believe them. i hope we're still growing closer.