~solverv@TTBP



24 january 2021

i wanted to write about visual snow, about how my mind is covered by a layer of static

loss of dimension things fading into each other and above all that, the static speaking a foreign tongue noise blurring my words a fog taking me over, slurring dying dreams have warped my mind the film reel burning away, a spectacle of unexposed memories returning to the white light of ignorant bliss pictures on a screen scream my connection to the world is faltering the stars are so dense they bend the light i've been high on death too much retinas burnt

im..........

: ::,', ,,...:':' , .....:.',.,:'::: : :',.,,',.,.:,:.'' ,. :' ':. :'':.':.,.:,.: :, ..', . , ',':'' :' . ,,: : ',. : .., ,,.,i'm ' :' ', :'. ':.''',': ',. ,.:,.' ,.:,. '' ., .'', ':'. .:.' : :lost. ..::.':,'. ':,,::,,,,:',',:.:' ' ' .:',, .' .,,,. :,.''..,.:.,.'...'.:,in,'. , ,':.'::.,': ' : ,..:,.,:::.''::..,,.....',:',': '.,' ,:::' ':.:.' ::..:' ,,, ,':':','':' .: ', : 'white'.' ,:: ,.'. ' , ::.:, .,':' '::, ': ':'.,..'' , ,, . ':', .:,.::: noise: ':,':,,.::,',..,.,. : ,'.,.,,' :, , .':'...' .: ,, :':.. .'.: ,,''.: ',.':: , :'.',',. .',,,: ':..',: : ,.:,.. .:. ,:' ,.,.,: .,:.','. '::

perhaps i should bury my feels.

but i am malcontent with this i still seek what? i don't know.

i told 明さん about my issues with マリー yesterday. it's good to feel like i can trust people with the secrets i'm most afraid of. i've got a complicated relationship to truth.

today i read If It is a Man by Primo Levi. i need to know it well enough to get a good grade so i read
the first 200 pages tonight. there's a moment where he quotes Dante, and--

"the vast open sea", that moment when the coastline disappears behind the curvature of the earth and you're left sovereign of this disc, this complete and perfect circle of sea, entirely open, and you're free to imagine that the rest of the world is this sea. and wherever you go, as long as you're in this vast open sea, with the horizon seamless, you can believe you're still in the same place as you were. and i don't know what to do with this reference, which i think is really beautiful and poetic, but i could interpret it as a happy thing, distancing yourself from your pain and remorse and being free in the vast open sea, or as a sad thing, finding yourself lost and only finding peace and calm when you shut out the world. or you don't shut it out,
but it leaves your line of sight.

and a friend drew a very cool piece of figurative art. i'm this close to asking her for advice on my game project Marin. i tried using a game engine but it's difficult to use and i don't think it would blend well with the art style i want to go with. i really need to get the hypercard stuff sorted so i can start creating those graphics.

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