30 january 2021
falling into hibernation
big content warning: suicide. abandonment.
i've lost 明。i almost killed myself today. i went to the pont marie and the banks of the Seine and just stayed astride the fence, looking down. but i didn't have the courage; and then i told akira through sms that they weren't really surrounding me. and they said 'i can leave for real if you want'. which means they're gone. they're gone. it's so painful to not have my best friend to talk to about dumb stuff and more difficult things. i'm just feeling a lack, and an amical pining. i miss them so much. i finally have their christmas gift to give them, and i'm going to write them a little note.
as days lengthen, as spirits rise i fall into hibernation-i wee