10 august 2023
Reflections
I'm 29. The last year of my twenties is, well, more than halfway done now, actually! But yeah, it's hard to not think about it more as the day draws closer. I've joked with friends that I actually can't wait to be 30, and I think in some sense that's still true. I have a tweet that outlines the breakdown of my decades that I'll repost here, since lord knows this text'll outlive twitter (or X or wtf it is now):
- 30s: 20 with more health problems and way more hoeing out
- 40s: MILF era
- 50s: wizened elder tran at tech conferences
- 60s: GMILF era
- 70s+: Silly lady hacking the bingo night PA to play Money Machine
And then: *a still from futurama of the sexually satisfied skeletons of the victims of "snu-snu"*
Fear & Solace
But it scares me! I'm not worried about 30 but I am worried about death. And maybe that's the crucial difference between now and the last age-related existential horror I've lived through. I was scared of life before, and now I'm scared of death. Which is a good thing, actually! 😅
It shows something's changed. Back then I was terrified of a life devoid of meaning against the infinite. NOW, I'm scared because I have so, so much to live for. So much more than my teary faggot ass could ever meaningfully write about. The friends I've met, and the friendships I've strengthened in the last year alone...it's not doing them justice to even say friends...they're my family. With all the good and terrible and amazing that comes with the word.
Sportscar in my 40s
I, like a lot of people who--ahem--look like me, had a part of me that doubted pretty heavily I'd make it this far. (I didn't always know why that was, but whomst among us hasn't made that oh so common mistake of confusing their gender dysphoria for just "the human condition"? Classic) But I did make this far! I REALLY made it this far, and I'm not slowing down. I think that's what makes it difficult to really map the stereotypical mid-life crisis onto....a trans woman turning 30? At the same time:
- I didn't even think I'd ever BE 30
- I'm old enough to start feeling the medical effects of age
- I'm just extending my old quarter-life crisis
- I'm living in many ways that are more comparable to my 20s than my ACTUAL 20s
All at the same time! Hell, this undecidability is apparent IN MY BODY. Teenage hormone profile in a ~30yo mind. My skin is quite literally not the skin I had two years ago, and it's better. This is so common that it's a bit of an inside joke in the community that it's hard to flirt with other transfems; we age backwards such that I can't tell if you're 23 or 33.
Back to the matter at hand, though:
Yeah! I'm worried about death, even though 30's really not old by any stretch, I'm looking forward to my 30s, and we seemingly age backwards anyway.
So that's the positive note to end on, really. Contrary to my writing this at 1am, this kind of existential dread is much more of an occasional midnight snack compared to 13yo me's full 3 course meal. And maybe that's another commonality with "real" midlife crises? I'm not sure. But in any case, I try to take that I feel this anxiety at all as a good sign that I'm doing "life itself" well by my own standards. That I'm surrounded by people I love dearly, having cherished experiences I never thought possible only a couple years ago, and finally in mostly the right body. And even that's gonna get ironed out soon, with exercise and breast aug and FFS. My 30s are gonna kick ass. They're gonna be the 20s I never got, and never knew I could have. Okay I promise I'm going to bed for real this time 😤
-Sammi