3 november 2025
Go figure, it's been a while. Right now it's 6:10 PM on November 2, 2025, today DST just stopped.
Should I say everything? I suppose now that it's been a while my brain has boiled it down somewhat, so it might not take as long.
I started a blog post maybe about a month ago but never ended up finishing it, and it was far longer than this.
Senior year of high school started some months ago. It's going alright, although college application is kind of throwing a wrench in it all. The drama teacher really wants me to compete in Speech & Drama but the club meetings are disappointingly chaotic. I wouldn't mind actually competing, though.
The big thing is that I got this haircut a little more than one month ago. Usually I was too indecisive so I just got whatever I always got, but this was a different place, and even then I was like "Screw it, I'm not twelve anymore and I like my hair long" so I asked for something along the lines of "A lil' off the back and a general cleanup."
The hairdresser was evidently ad libbing it, I tried to guide her but I couldn't quite comprehend her and my mom just has to chime in "Yeah he doesn't know what he wants"... I guess she's kinda right.
Anyhow after a while of random crap the hairdresser leads me to the back room where they do shampooing, and after she gets a little too familiar with my scalp she leads me back and dries me off.
I look the mirror. Wait that's me in the mirror? Damn I actually look kinda good!
It was so stupid and improvised but I think the haircut affected me even beyond that. Along with this new visual identity, I felt emotionally different.
At the time my penpal (did I talk about him already? I think I did) had written me a letter that gave me a nice shot of hope and I felt like this had something to do with it.
On the trip home we stopped at some thrift stores and flea markets (as we tend to do) and I picked up a week's worth of tie-dye shirts and hippie shit. I just had to, I dunno. At the very least, I know the haircut flipped a switch in me that finally motivated me to put effort into my looks and presentation (since before I took horrible care of my hair), but a part of me believes that I had begun taking self-expression seriously.
I had begun to realize that the main reason I went through what I really shouldn't have went through is that I never spoke up and complained when I rightfully should have. With that on top of AI and the ever-increasing political polarization and misinformation surrounding me, I realized that my biggest core value was authenticity and truthfulness. I feel like the haircut marked a transition where I was finally coming to terms with those values and living them.
If that is the case, then I'm sure I still have much progress left to make. I have college to look forward to, and I'll have all the agency in the world to be myself for goddamn once.
Either way, something's changing.
I even started posting on Facebook, the platform I still qutie abhor, because since my older family members use it (including my parents), I felt that it would be the best first outlet to talk about some of my grievances. A lot of people I personally know express some relatively off-beat beliefs on that platform, so it would only be good if I try to have a reasonable conversation. At the very least, I hope it tells them "Hey, a kid you know is having problems. Maybe try caring about the people closest to you rather than Israel for two seconds."
I'm okay. I was in far worse mental condition some four years ago and the fact that I'm starting to say something really indicates that I have more peace of mind.
I hope this all goes where I want it to. God knows I'm already doing everything in my life by ear.
Thanks everyone.