29 november 2025
Hello, right now it's 1:48 in the morning on November 29, 2025.
Applying for college scholarships is a huge mess and there's a good chance I'm not getting any of them, but I still feel like some of the effort was worth it. For the record I had to write two 500-word essays, a resume, and I still need recommendation letters from two teachers I emailed about two hours ago. The deadline is December 1.
It really feels like big mess of procrastination--play stupid games, win stupid prizes--but something in me's confident that something will come out, like despite the fact that there's no guarantee I'll get the recommendation and I'm for sure pissing off some admissions officer by submitting it days before the deadline, I still feel like I'll get something big out of it. And I mean, not to self-aggrandize, but had I actually kept track of deadlines and did everything at a reasonable, I think I'd be a worthy candidate for their big boy scholarships, the resume and the ACT score speak for themselves. I'm just a moron who's still too brainrotten to keep hold of a damn deadline.
It's alright. It's alright. I had a cream soda earlier after I finished sending those emails because I realized I needed to calm the fuck down. Even if those don't work out, there's still the 36 ACT full ride scholarship and the composition scholarship, and even if I don't get a 36 on the test day (because you bet your ass I haven't studied during break) I have enough time to apply and test again later in the year.
On the bright (?) side, by some miracle I now have the composition professor on Discord of all things. He's part of an ensemble and I followed the ensemble's Bandcamp, and I got an email from said Bandcamp saying "Hey ho we're doing a discord listening party so come in!!!" So of course I was curious, and it looks like the place will be valuable to me in the future. One of the members told me "Yeah we got him on here once... we'll have to see if he visits again" which is no surprise to me lol
Thinking about publishing the two essays I wrote, because despite how quickly I had to basically pump them out, they actually turned out pretty good, the second one I'm really liking. I could just slap the PDF on here but that's boooooooring so I'll probably copy-paste it into an HTML doc so I can give it fun formatting like all my other pages on tildetown :D (And the ability to read it in dark mode)
I feel kinda satisfied and chill and yet my conscious mind is like "why the hell would you feel that way?" Like in doing all of this I've made some terrible mistake. Like obviously I shouldn't've waited this long and I really need to figure out how not to distract myself so damn much but I mean come onnnnn, it'll be alright in the end, no? I have other options and I'm basically a nephew to the guys at the composition program. Everything will be FINE. It's OKAY.
Maybe I'm too optimistic. Maybe I'm too pessimistic. Maybe I'm somehow manifesting the future and I must stay optimistic. Maybe I'm a hope-filled moron.
You can never tell for sure if you're gaslighting yourself.