30 october 2018
I kinda feel useless today. I have a Linear Algebra exam this Thursday and I've barely practiced. I procrastinated a lot, and I'm afraid I might get a low grade when I could do a lot more. I haven't been studying much this year, for some reason I don't have the ambition I used to. Then again, this is third year of high school, so maybe it's just what happens. I hope I don't fail. I need something to do all the time, otherwise my thoughts go onto who I am and where I am, and it's a bad experience.
I've been talking to you townies more often these days and it's helped me feel less lonely. I still want to talk to someone using my voice though.
It isn't a nice voice, but my vocal cords practically dry up when I'm at home since I don't talk to anyone.
I'm a really talkative person by nature, and it's no surprise that I get a lot of comments about it.
When I last went to Belgium, I met so many amazing people at the 14-day camp, and I wanted to talk to all of them as much as possible.
However, some apparently complained to the counselors that I was being too social with them instead of just telling me.
What was I gonna do, insult them? I would just say 'okay,' and not talk to them as much anymore.
I guess I understand why they didn't say it directly. But still, after the counselor had a chat with me, I pretended to just understand and said I would try
to work on it. But when I went back into my dorm room, I couldn't help but tear up. I really only wanted to socialize with people who aren't shitty like the ones back
home, but I guess I made them uncomfortable. I don't know how, even now, but whatever I did, I apologize to them.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't like this. Sometimes I wish I was self-sufficient all the time, but it's only human to want to make a connection with others.
I guess I've been even more self-sufficient than the average person considering my circumstances, but I still feel lonely all the time.
What is it about me that pushes people away? I solved many issues, like not talking about obscure topics, but it still hapens.
I know I talk too much, I know I'm subconsciously too loud when I speak, I know I sometimes overcompensate for my extensive flaws with big words and long-winded
explanations, and it makes me seem obnoxious and like a smartass, but short of a lobotomy and laryngectomy, I don't see a sure-fire way to solve those instantly.
I just want to have people I can talk to without being afraid.
I just want to have people that are interested in what I like.
I just want to have people to share experiences with, without having to delete a year's worth of work in UTAU and other programming attempts of
my own in the area of vocal synthesis, because I feel nobody cares.
And maybe, just maybe, nobody does care. But I do. I wanna be able to do it for myself, without needing the validation of others.
What if others don't care, when I care? The problem is, I care in a negative way, detrimental to my work. I demotivate myself.
I guess that's why I need validation.
What if I have a problem with attention? It seems likely. I just want someone to pay attention to me like my parents never did, or something like that. I'm too tired to think of what it could be. I just hope I can be happy, and make others happy. I guess it's pretentious of me to think anyone reads these. But, wishful thinking is always nice.
I just wanna feel like I'm a neat person.