29 january 2020
Be warned, tons of negative vibes below.
How the fuck did this happen? How did I let myself ruin my health, overall mood and enthusiasm based on how others act around me, not even involving me? Is it jealousy? Is it entitlement? Self-righteousness?
Why, as well? So many questions I can ask myself. But no answers. I feel like I'm hanging by a thread, over a hole. The hole isn't a hole where you fall into it and it hurts. It's the kind of hole that you never find the way out of. You keep falling, falling, the anxiety of how hard you'll hit the ground envelops you, but you never hit it. You're stuck, wrapped up in the anxiety, you wanna cry out but who'd hear you as you hurtle towards nothing at mach 9. How do I not fall in? If I scream, who the fuck would hear me? The people who say "If you need me, I'm here" are never there. They never make themselves accessible. They just wanna get their moral obligation out of the way.
Fuck this. Fuck me. Fuck everything. I just wish I could focus on my own things without my mind being clouded by shit.