06 may 2020
I felt the need to dump this somewhere because it was eating at me from the inside, and I couldn't get any school writing done until I did.
I didn't realize it until last night, but in my quest to figure out and understand exactly why I was holding myself back from creating the way I wish to, I was able to ignite something deeper. After a day spent frustratedly finishing writing some code that I didn't feel content with, I realized that was exactly it; I am in need of transformation in all aspects of my life.
How could it be possible that my life changes so drastically and my creative endeavours don't follow? I realized I was remaining stagnant amongst the routine of my schoolwork. I had a method for creating that was familiar and comfortable, but I found my personal projects and art to not be challenging or intellectually stimulating or even an accurate representation of who I am now.
I haven't gone deep enough into my projects to feel satisfied with myself and I haven't been pushing all of my limits, creatively or mentally. I didn't realize until last night, crying as I vented my frustration, trying to understand exactly what was making me feel so shitty about my work and even my art, that I have a knot in my chest that I've been holding inside for so long.
It's my passion to create something different, something my own. Something brand new to myself. I need to push my boundaries and figure out all of the obscure and untouched spaces of my soul and mind. I need to give myself entirely to my art without these self-created limitations. I'm not the same as I was last year. Last month. Last week.
I've allowed myself to be constantly learning, growing, evolving, changing, and that is beautiful. I refuse to let life, to let people, push me around any longer. I've known for a while but I have finally taken action. I have realised, more accurately, embraced the fact that I have complete undeniable control of my life.
Every decision I make, every way I choose to react to situations, all of this is my own. All of this is my creation. I don't know why I'm here, but I do know that we are living works of art. So where is our magnificence? Where is the magnificence and tragedy in a work of art that doesn't transport into something experimental and enticing?
I'm choosing to pour my heart and soul into everything I do, enraged with passion.
I'm breaking down the constructs of my emotions and the walls I've built so strong to protect myself from feeling too much, consequently creating a beautiful and dangerous chaos. The lowest lows have been blending into the highest highs, and in the end I'm stuck feeling in between about everything. This frustrated me and prompted a very bad habit, where if something doesn't set my heart on fire, then it isn't worth my time.
I know there are expectations from other people and my giving nature wants to listen to the unreasonable thoughts in the back of my mind telling me that I have to do things for other people's satisfaction, that I have to make sure they are happy with me, with my projects, with my decisions. But that's an entirely inaccurate and flawed way of going about life.
My art is my life and my life is my art. And there's not a single person on this earth that I should trust more than myself to nourish it, to make it thrive and grow strong, to care about it as much as I do. There's not a single person worth sacrificing any piece of myself for, no matter how miniscule.
I love unconditionally, but I'm doing this for me, vulnerably letting down my guard and leaving the door to my home wide open, allowing anyone who wishes or passes by to peer through.
I'm on a journey to become satisfied with myself, and the only way that will happen is if I allow myself to just be exactly who I am without filtering out what I fear others will judge about me.
I'm readily taking on the challenge to accept ultimate and complete vulnerability as the passageway that leads to ultimate and complete freedom. I love the freedom of creating my own space.
I so badly crave for what I work on to appear, sound and feel exactly the way I picture it internally.
I guess that's the biggest struggle of being an artist, of being human: getting it all out in a way that really captures any emotion. Art in its many forms, including any coding I've done, is the only way I've found that can successfully suffocate the rage and torment within me, to let out all of my pain in a healthy way, to intensely release, but also to give, to grow, to learn, to evaluate the things I didn't notice I've buried away.
Sometimes when I'm creating, I feel like I'm detached from my mind and just watching something happen before my very eyes, unable to fathom exactly how I was able to do it in the end. It takes getting into a form of thoughtlessness, which tends to waver in and out. That's my greatest challenge, giving myself complete freedom to release without hesitation, without self-doubt, without judgment.
Absolute freedom will be when I'm able to entirely disconnect from my own self judgment. It takes practice because it's so easy to fall into old patterns of self-deprecation and vivid fear of letting my energy flow out for nothing. I guess that's it. That I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what I can expect or interpret.
I'm afraid of pushing my boundaries, exploring new territories within myself. I'm afraid of all of these vivid emotions that are so foreign to me, being new to feeling anything, but I'm embracing them. The only way I will move forward is through opening my arms to the unknown and releasing my fears little by little.
I've had it burnt into my brain since long ago that I'm unworthy of happiness. That I'm unworthy of anything good in my life. Undoing such tightly-knit thought patterns will take getting used to, but these days I'm feeling genuine happiness for the first time, pouring through my body like hot liquid, melting away the fear and pain that lived inside of me for so long. I'm finally fighting through those thoughts in fits of rage because I've recently learned from experience that the moments I stopped holding myself back are the moments when beautiful things happen.
It's hard to express these vivid and intoxicating emotions, but I will give everything I have within me to pour out my wild, raging, beating heart and turn it into something entrancing. I've been in and out of a coccoon, running away and unraveling myself in fear of what will happen. Fearing flight, fearing change, fearing the unknown, the feeling of freedom. This time of my life is an extremely significant breakthrough.
Transformation. Metamorphosis.
Thanks for reading.