16 october 2020
Relating to my last feels post, I lied. I fucking lied to you, I lied to myself, and I lied to everyone that ever believed in me, ever.
This community has been one of the most supportive communities I've ever had the privilege of being in; yet, it's limited by being online-only.
My school, on the other hand, is also a very supportive community. When someone has a problem, people notice it, and offer emotional and, if needed, physical support.
Except me.
I'm not hiding. I'm out in the open, very overtly suffering (yet, not actively craving attention). People see me, but see past me. Bringing up my issues with them results in a massively different response than if someone else did:
- instead of "I'm sorry to hear that, do you need a hug/snacks/any kind of support?" I get "ok, and? we're all stressed."
- instead of people noticing something's wrong, they ignore me.
- when I help someone, they don't appreciate it, and never return the favor.
It's very, very difficult to remain nice, emotionally stable and mentally sane in such an environment. If it were a community which treated others as badly as me, I could adapt. But I can't help but feel shitty whenever someone gets the support I need just as much, or more, and I don't.
Fuck this. Fuck everything. I'm isolating myself and focusing on academics for the rest of the fucking term. I don't know why I ever lied to myself that socializing would solve this problem; it just makes me feel worse.