13 november 2020
I'm getting better.
I don't know what changes, but I can hazard a guess that the more preoccupied I am with schoolwork (or my own personal projects) and the less I try to rely on socializing, the better the outcome is in terms of my overall mood. I see socializing as a high-risk, high-reward endeavour; there's a small chance I'll find someone who completes me after having lost the last one, but I risk feeling overall worse by trying to look for them and encountering nothing but disappointment, people who are too busy to talk to me or even notice I exist. That said, I can find someone who'll make me feel better for months, or ruin my months, day by day, by trying. No thanks.
Besides, I'm acquiring skills that will benefit me later in life, especially for the purpose of getting employed. Money can't buy happiness, and I'm no materialist, but it's more comforting to cry in a bigger apartment.
I actually haven't spoken to my ex in more than a week; the last time we did, she was distant, claimed that she wasn't being distant, and said that she didn't have the time to explain to me why people don't wanna be close to me (her words, not mine.) I left her alone at that point, and haven't looked back (okay, I have, but less and less each day; if she goes back to being the way she was before, maybe I will.) Thankfully, I'm cute/attractive enough to find someone else. This isn't something I've acknowledged thus far, and maybe if I do, it'll be a step in the right direction towards a stable foundation from the aspect of a state of mind.