23 january 2025
I'm glad I took a little bit of time to reflect on the pretty things in ~town before writing this. I'm also glad that my first instinct when feeling troubled was to sit down and journal. I want to strengthen this habit.
I have been very mood-swingy, and I don't understand why. My girlfriend is currently in the same type of mood, and I am trying to take some space while simultaneously giving her space. I think it's the effects of January™. I hope it ends when the weather gets warmer.
I feel like no amount of love I receive is enough. I'm always paranoid that I'm somehow not as fulfilled as I could be, while on the other hand being entirely aware that no single relationship can fill my entire life with joy and love, I must always rely on multiple people, and since I have BPD, my expectations and perception of love are skewed ON TOP of that. So, I will have to do some reevaluation, some reaching out to friends, and some thinking.
When college coursework picks up, I think I'll be rid of this stupid stuff because I'll have a routine, a structure, and stuff to do.
Part 2: I did some s&box experimentation today, the typical game engine first-steps type of deal. It's pretty interesting, and it makes Source 2 feel accessible, simple and understandable. Intuitive, even. That's a big task, if you've ever thought about developing a game in Source before, you'll know.