23 august 2025
Today has been absolutely horrendous. It's not helped by me having no appetite whatsoever and having slept like ass. I tried taking a nap this afternoon but I just couldn't. The reason I'm so distraught is twofold, and one of those reasons is too personal to reveal here. Maybe later on I'll amend this when it's all said and done and not an active and ongoing pain, but I still feel like it aches, even after discussing it with two people (my aunt and an internet friend.)
The former of the two reasons is that recently I've felt super isolated. My desire to feel physical affection, or otherwise converse with people in real life, has absolutely overwhelmed my ability to reasonably enjoy anything. It does not help that I live in a suburb of a suburb, and have no access to a car. This, and I assume some other factors, has led to me pursuing friends and potentially some casual partners on dating apps. However, the dating apps are even shallower than I remember them being; one of them even shows you people that have been algo-ma-rithmically chosen to be perfect matches for you, but those do not appear in the normal matching pool and instead are only like-able if you directly pay money for a subscription. This is way too on-the-nose and no longer somehow subtly manipulative, and that's terrifying.
I'm compelled to find a bright side. The bright side is that this loneliness has kicked me in my nuts to finally go get my license. Next week, I'll get the learner's permit and I'll use the money I saved up for driving lessons.
I hope I get the job that I did good on the interview for. I think it'll help me be more focused and less... drifty, so to speak. I'd have less room for emotional turmoil.
If you'd like to chat about some topic, any topic, send me a town email. I'll gladly correspond with you. The least I can do is say I know nothing about it, and ask more questions. :P