25 august 2025
I will admit and confess this, primarily to myself: I miss them. I miss what little remained of our relationship. I suppose I missed the status we had. The relationship itself. The privilege to be physically and emotionally affectionate with them, even as it dwindled to very little. I was okay when I had a status flag set in my brain that I could always lean on them for anything I might need. Now, that's gone, and the more I ask them for stuff now, the more it feels like pity. I am a person of otherwise strong character, and I think that breaking up with someone but still staying in contact was a bad idea.
I might tell them that I need to spend some time not talking to them, but that makes me afraid that I will come back to it too soon and then ruin stuff forever. It doesn't help that there is absolutely fucking no one on dating apps nor friend-finding apps, and that my brain doesn't want to take support and affection from my friends, or even strangers, as long-term relief. My nervous stomach waxes and wanes like the waves of a sea, and it is REALLY terrible. I don't know how to get rid of it so that I can keep living life.
Every time I think I'm cured, I run into yet another stumbling block that makes me spiral back down into depression. So, I'm putting my thoughts to paper, pretty much.
I want someone who will look at the cool stuff I do and say "wow!", and validate me. They didn't do that consistently; sometimes I'd delete stuff after reminding them to look at it for the third time. I want someone who will hype me up when I'm down, so that there comes a time when I don't need hyping up. Even though they're still my friend (for how long, I'll see), asking them to do that for me is a terrible idea because it furthers my emotional dependence on them.
I woke up yesterday morning and this morning absolutely fucking shaking, the same way a druggie shakes when they have withdrawal symptoms. Any standard brand of loneliness has never done that to me before in my entire life, so this is unprecedented for me. I just want to be able to get a clear head and a calm stomach again, to be able to pursue what I want to do with motivation without my brain pivoting to this stupid shit again.
I just wanna be worth loving again. I want to have a friend group in person that drags me out of the house. At the very least, I want a reason to admit to myself that life is enjoyable and worth living to its fullest. That is to say, I am not going to kill myself; when I say I don't want to live like this, I mean I don't want to worry about such meaningless bullshit, and I want to be able to love and be loved, create and enjoy others' creations, sleep without waking up 9 times in a row.
How long does this usually last?