27 august 2025
I put down a goal in my Finch app (a self-care and journaling app) that I would write down a personal story or my life story. I want to use that as an opportunity to feel more grateful for what I have, and more appreciative of what I have accomplished.
In 2018 I had a traumatic brain injury that could've resulted in my death. In fact, I did the event that I wanted to result in my death. After I made a miraculous full recovery, I vowed that I'd turn my life around and learn how to be a person again. I vowed I'd never waste life again.
I applied to UWC and studied high school in Armenia for 2 years. Then, I got into college in the US with a very good scholarship after busting my ass off writing applications, essays, projects, portfolios and emails. I had a really good GPA in college without much effort, and I also learned a lot of very necessary life skills. I had to initiate a heartbreaking breakup for a relationship that really ate away at me as we just drifted apart. I got into a relationship with a friend of mine, who I got close with over the time I was in that other relationship. That one was slowly wearing at the seams as she stopped being the person I fell in love with. However, I did not have any self-respect at the time to acknowledge it and be the bigger person, take care of MYSELF first and foremost, and leave. Then, I graduated in May and had a quite unengaging summer overall. But, I made the most of it, looking for work and adjusting to life after college. Then, the relationship ended over a phone call one morning and I was unfazed. I was still in college mode and looked for my friends and... oops, all gone! In the meantime, my ex moved on in a week and started moving back towards being the person I fell in love with. She has support systems, she has people to have flings with, and it's what she wants. I came to terms with that part quite soon, but I didn't know what to do now that I couldn't do the same.
I had, and I probably am still having, a hard time battling this. But I must remember that I am in a random suburb with no car, and still need to work on stabilizing some other factors of my life before I can have another shot. It sucks not to be able to be held, and it feels like quitting drugs, but I am stronger. I am in my third foreign country, and I didn't get here by breaking down. I got here by working my ass off. And I will MAINTAIN that fucking vow that I made when I had a brain injury and I survived against all odds. I will be better. I WILL find my footing. And then I will be able to respect myself enough so that in future relationships and friendships, I'm not a passive observer not minding my own interests at all, but an active participant that advocates for myself and my rights. It'll be a long battle, but it has to start somewhere.
That being said, right now I told my ex I need to spend some time not talking to them. It was something I said I might need to do as soon as we broke up, and if I respected myself and was less afraid I would've done it. But, better nate than lever. Right now their presence in my life in and of itself is painful. I hope that at the end, we are still friends so that I can get whatever (less) benefits out of our friendship without being emotionally dependent on them.
Everyone wins that way. I always wanted everyone to win, I was always a person of compromise, but the only thing I successfully compromised long-term is my wellbeing, health and integrity. No more. No more. No more!