29 august 2025
Today there's not much to feels about. I honestly think that complaining about my issues only seems to make me relive them and feel upset, so I will try not to do that.
I will just say that I have been tracking my weight and I have lost somewhere between 5-7lbs in less than a week. My appetite is still not quite there, especially not in the mornings (which is also when I wake up and feel more disappointed.) Yesterday, I talked to two of my friends who are on the same Discord server as my ex, the one they made for us to all game. They are well, and they did talk to me for a while about their lives and listened to me talk about mine. Thankfully I was in a good mood then, so I had good news to share :)
I did some work yesterday and today on Angelic, so that was a pleasant distraction from the horrors or listlessness. I think that overall, I am getting better, though I am perhaps impatient. When I feel better I peruse dating apps to find friends or someone to share my interests and company with, but barely seem to find any. I can think of 2-3 people with whom I've stayed in touch, and there's been maybe 5-6 people in total. I know this is because dating apps are inherently biased against cis males, and part of it is cis males' fault, especially the kind of straight cis men that girls on these apps have shown me messages of. Absolute, 100%, nothing but ick. And they're not even pretty enough to get away with their behavior, if there ever were such a thing!
Last night I woke up at 3am and couldn't fall asleep because I kept thinking of how to get in touch with this girl who looks like my ex, but even prettier. I found her on a dating app and sent her a message (you can send messages with your match if you pay a virtual currency, and there's practically no chance you'll be seen unless you DO send a message), but she didn't reply. She did view my profile, apparently. For some reason, I was very very captivated with this person in particular and I contemplated paying another $2 just to message her again and tell her this, that I can't get her off my mind. This kind of thing has never happened to me; I have never truly yearned for a random-ass person who does not even know me, at the expense of my sleep and wellbeing. But, it seems to be fading thankfully. I didn't feel like being a creep or spending more of my money and energy on someone who clearly missed out on a chance to meet me.
Oops, I complained about my issues. But then again, this one is fading so I am in a good mindspace to talk about it without making myself upset again.
I am excited about tilde30, too! I'll decide what to do. Projects like the ones I have in mind will definitely ensure that I stay in a good state of mind; I just gotta make sure I don't burn myself out on those and then spend all night half-asleep decompiling in Ghidra in my "sleep".
Update 2: life is not a checklist. I must remember this.
Update 3: I decided to further dip my toes into the Discord server my ex runs. I read the rest of the channels, and despite seeing stuff that would've really bothered me if I were still not moved on, I was unfazed. I think that all of the work I did on myself and my own self-worth paid off, even if it was in such a short period. Or maybe I still haven't entirely processed it, and when I wake up tomorrow I'll still be shaking, or worse, I'll wake up at 3am again after dreaming stupid shit. I don't know, but if I do, I'm gonna at least attempt to tell myself I'm beyond that, until I'm beyond it.
I am a really strong person, especially in the face of such bullshit. I just need to rediscover it and realize the chasm is painted on to scare me.
One thing I need to remember is that there's a LOT of people who will provide support and validation to me, but not so much that I become dependent on them. And this is a good thing. I must keep these people close, and do the same for them (however, now with the caveat that i don't bend over backwards to do so.)