1 september 2025
September has been off to a good start.
~agafnd sent a song on IRC that really uplifted me, with the lyrics "there's gonna come a day when you'll feel better / you'll rise up free and easy on that day." It motivated me to have a good day today, and not worry too much about the stuff that's out of my control. There's enough people who care about me that I don't need to worry about jack diddly shit apart from:
- tilde30 project (well, not worrying about that one!)
- my game development job
- applying somewhere where I can actually get some meaningful software engineering done
- getting my driving practice done
- hanging out with Maya, my family, and any other friends I pick up along the way
I don't see my ex on that list, and until I am not worried about them at all, I won't poke the wound. It'll feel better if we do reestablish contact as long-lost friends and I will be happy for their development and they will be happy for mine, but that's just a hypothetical and not something that holds my heart together.
Speaking of which. Today my ex-boyfriend whom I dated before my current ex reached out to me, saying he reads this blog from time to time and is concerned about my wellbeing. I thought that was a possibility, but I did not consider in a million years that it was a real one. It showed me that people from quite a while ago (2 years) will still think of me fondly, even if circumstances didn't permit us to separate fondly. Our separation was necessary for many reasons, but I didn't do either of us a good service by prolonging it and being passive. Perhaps things would've been different if I had been clearer about how I simply don't want to tug my heart to and fro in the relationship in ways that I ensured were as invisible to him as possible (for people-pleasing purposes), but what's done is done. That being said, if you're reading this, hi Blue!
With that, I will continue maintaining that all of this emotional turmoil is of my own manufacture, and that I can just as easily simply not do it. Not follow the train of thought. Not board it in the first place.
It's tilde30 time! I'll go work on radio firmwares now. Toodles!
I didn't work on any radio firmwares, but I did start some laundry and now I'm sitting in the park and writing this. The sunlight is doing me much good. I might go visit the card shop that has the funny cats soon :)
Either way, I will make sure I treasure the good times (and this time I'll find a fucking guarantee that I will remember) and not put so much weight onto the bad ones.