9 september 2025
I woke up at 8-ish am, and went back to sleep since I don't have any responsibilities today. This was a bad idea, because when I do that, I end up having more vivid, more stressful, more emotionally charged dreams that ruin my mood in the morning as if my brain is telling me "get the fuck out of bed, you ass."
After I've been awake for a brief while, I realize the dreams are absurd as fuck. But they do reveal some emotional needs that are going unmet and I am just not realizing it. Most recently, this morning I dreamt that my ex texted me on Snapchat, among other things calling me cute. But "her" writing style was weird, and it turned out her Snapchat was hacked by some scammer. Trying to reach out to her to let her know this led to no reply and being ignored. Being called cute by her made me feel good. Being ignored made me feel bad. I suspect these dreams are returning because I am now back to having to absolutely beg people to respond to me, people I'd otherwise get along with and have tons of fun.
I don't know why I do this. I have everything that I need to keep myself occupied, and I have healthy friend groups that I enjoy being around. Why do I still get worried that I don't get the validation back that I put into what, arguably, are strangers? I don't want that to happen, but instead of spiraling, I'm gonna simply try my darndest to keep my chin up, keep working on personal projects and self-validation, and everything else will come into place.
Most of all, I will try my darndest to practice joy about the things in my life again. Pride, confidence, bragging (to a healthy extent), and positivity about my progress.
I'm proud of myself for learning to drive so much on such short notice. I'm proud of myself for realizing what's bugging me, unlike before. I'm proud of myself for landing a proper, honest-to-goodness job. I'm proud of myself for making progress on the game development job. I'm proud of myself for not abandoning my radio project.
If I keep being proud, joyful and confident, finding a cute person to smooch will be the least of my problems.