16 september 2025
I'm doing a bit of an experiment in that I'm going to do this as a stream of consciousness as I am voice typing. In other words, my phone is recording my voice and it is transcribing it into words into a notes app which I will then copy into feels and perhaps format a little bit. Today went excellently and I do not regret yesterday's decision whatsoever. I did still keep tabs on my ex in one way or another today, but she has become a significantly smaller problem in my life as compared to before. One step at a time removing ways I can keep tabs on her, or even be reminded of her existence. With that in mind I have made a lot of progress on projects that I actually did want to work on, but unfortunately not the stuff that I promised for tilde30. However, I think that I will regain the energy to do that once I am through this burnout. I don't think that I'm going to be able to schedule and pass a driver's test next week on account of the fact that I have not had a chance to practice driving apart from driving school, which ended on Saturday. However, I will still do my best to try and pass my driver's test next week. I start work next Monday the 22nd and I hope that that is actually what knocks me into routine and makes me stop worrying about the stupidest shit ever. For what it's worth, I did manage to read a little bit of the book "tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow" today. There was a particular scene where three main characters are on ecstasy and they smooch and they have a lot of fun and they express a lot of love and I would like to experience this myself soon. I have a lot of love to give and I would like to give it to people who deserve it, and/or people that will not be around to fuck me over tomorrow. But most of all, I think that the most deserving person for that love is myself. And that is something that I'm going to have to put in a lot of work in, despite all the progress that I've made, I still feel like I have a mountain to climb.
Apart from work and driving school, some of my other goals include finding other projects to occupy my time in the radio firmware sphere, including digging up some of those radios from storage to do something with them finally.
September 16th, 2025
For some reason, Life360 was unblocked on my phone and my stupid ass checked it. Apparently my ex is in Detroit. Where I am.
If she didn't contact me, I don't have any reason to be anxious or even care, but my heart rate still spiked up.
That being said - I need to remind myself that I should shift the narrative from "omg she's here!!! We should meet" to "I don't wanna see her fucking face ever again after disrespecting me. She didn't let me know she was here, so she clearly doesn't wanna visit me, so I have nothing to worry about. Yes, it's a worry. She's a negative influence on my life and not the same person as before."
An hour later, I'm thankfully calmer. Her business is her business. I'm glad it takes me less and less time to realize this stuff.