20 september 2025
Yesterday my ex sent me a reel on Instagram. I didn't want to open the message until I knew exactly what I wanted to do, and besides, I wanted to go to sleep stress-free. What I ended up doing was looking up the account that she sent it from, and it was all reels with text like "I'm sorry if I'm rude, I'm kinda falling apart" and "as long as I'm alive, you'll always have someone who's proud of you in everything." I thought, "haha, very rich! She must've finally realized that the real world is full of terrible people and she missed out on a bundle of joy and kindness, not to say a doormat. So of course when she gets abandoned by her supposed friends, she'll come running back to me." Regardless, I left the message and took it out of mind, then went to bed.
This morning I did open it, and it was a reel that said "yo twin you good? just checking on you mentally and physically in case nobody else did." "HAHAHAHAHAHA. The source of my mental anguish and depressive episodes dares to tell me this," I thought? Very funny. But then I realized: I can respond kindly and in good faith, and take less of my time and energy than I would if I was evil about it. So hours later, when I found the time, I replied with a pokemon meme. At some point when I have the time and energy, and when I have done some more growth by myself and for myself, I'll tell her that we need to talk. I'll set clear boundaries, let her know how she fucked up and how I cannot trust her with my emotions ever again because of her complete 180, but how if she apologizes and makes a good-faith effort to make up for her mistakes, we can still be friends. This time on my terms, not hers. (Well, I guess on mutually agreeable terms -- what works for both of us works for me.) I'm done being a doormat and I'm done being afraid of confrontation; if others want to stay in their comfort zone and do not want to accept my help in helping them move forward with me in my life, then they are welcome to stay behind. I can and will make good-faith efforts to understand intent and meaning behind actions, and I will be happy to accept an apology and corrective action, but I am DONE doing charity for someone who wouldn't move a pebble for me, sap me of my identity and tap into my people-pleasing, and then say they got bored of me. It can be true that this person meant well to me once, and now doesn't. It can be true that that person was once trying, but now isn't. It can be true that I'm unaware that this person has grown cold because their heart, too, aches for the time we spent together and they just don't know themselves as well as I do. We'll see how this pans out, but I am not making the moves. She doesn't deserve full commitment and permission into my emotions beyond the benefit of a doubt anymore (and it'd have to be a REALLY big fucking change to deserve another benefit of a doubt) and I deserve peace. It's time for a change. I wish her growth as a person, including any nasty life lessons she needs to run into, and I wish me the ability to be fine on my own, but find someone I can truly share an existence with.
I start my new job on Monday, and I am both nervous and excited. I'm scared because my driver's license obtaining timeline has increased by quite a bit, but it's better to be safe than sorry. I do know how to drive, but if I'm gonna be driving a company vehicle, I'd rather invest in more lessons to get comfortable behind the wheel. I understand that I am in a uniquely inconvenient position; I cannot just rely on Mom and Dad to lend me their car and if I wreck it, it's fine, we can buy another one. I've hauled my own ass this far in life, and I don't plan on stopping, so I am going to take those lessons, tell my employer exactly what I said (playing it safe wrt the company vehicle) and be confident in my decision(s). Everything will work out if I believe in myself.
I've made quite significant progress on my OpenRTX development work. It's bizarre how once I have started, I can't stop, not even for external distractions in most cases. But the starting energy is way too high when I'm in said external distractions already. I have to take my Specific Laptop and plug it into the USB-C dock, unplugging the Work/Gaming Laptop with Windows on it, and then I have to persevere until I set the dev environment back up again, and yada yada yada. I'll try to make/find an app that makes me have to solve 3 math equations before I can open YouTube, Telegram or any other app that I open on a loop, wasting my time. If not, I'll just put my detox mode to 24 hours and not just sleep time and see how that pans out. I have Telegram on the computer(s), and I am fully reachable elsehow, so I might do exactly that. Especially, ESPECIALLY, since I'll be working remotely. I can't afford to fukk that up.
I'm a much happier, much more stable person than I was 2-3 weeks ago, but I have so much work left to do. I hope that 2-3 weeks from now, not only am I happier and more stable once again, but that I have the coordination and body shape to be able to do the Melbourne Shuffle, or at least the basic "running man." I'll keep working on it.
4 minutes before UTC midnight, oof! Glad to make the deadline. That being said: I had a boo-boo. I was talking to a friend and she said that she took some lewds and asked if I wanted to see (entirely from the perspective of being friends - this is not unusual for the two of us, and there's no romantic connection or awkwardness.) So I said that I would dig up some of my own to share with her to see what she thinks. Now, I looked really pretty in these photos and I still do, and I feel handsome as a result. However, I had to dig through my chat with my ex to get to them. And not only did that make me realize how much I was appreciated before and how much of that I am lacking right now, but it also made me realize that when my ex texted me that Instagram reel yesterday night, and since I am fucking better than I give myself the chance to be, I should have left it on seen in general. So, I spiralled right back to that. I'm fine now, but it did put a damper on my walk. :(