20 november 2025
I had some recurring dreams about my ex again. It's my fault for telling myself that on this one day, it was ok to think about her while I was awake. I'll know better next time :) I did a physical tarot reading (past-present-future) and it was good. I even drew two cards for the future, by accident. The cards were as follows:
Past: Queen of Swords, meaning perceptiveness, awareness, clear communication and sharp wits to overcome adversity and get to a place of strength and self-sufficiency.
Present: Five of Cups (reversed), meaning accepting, forgiving, moving on, healing. Quite amusingly, upright it represents loss, grief, disappointment, a period of intense sorrow or regret over something that has been lost, crying over spilled milk. So, I guess I'm gonna finally let myself be. But that all depends on me, myself and I :)
Future: The Fool, and Six of Swords, meaning [new beginnings, innocence, adventure, possibilities] and [Transition, recovery, travel, refuge] which are also good.
As it currently stands, I think this would concern two things that have been weighing on my mind to varying degrees, and I cannot determine which it is:
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I've been able to remain aware and maintain my senses with regards to who I am and what I should be doing for myself. I will finally forgive and move on from my past relationship, including in the ways that manifest only subconsciously (as I have gotten over the part where I feel like I need to talk about it all the time, or any of the time.) In the near future, I will have a new beginning and/or experiment with someone new, perhaps several new people, and then in the more distant future, I will transition to a new period in life where I may or may not be alone or need to recover from my endeavours.
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My hunch was correct that one of my FWBs is reconnecting with her ex and lying to me that she's sick/busy/just straight-up disappearing on me because she feels awkward admitting that she's going back to her ex. There is a chance that I am paranoid, and while I know that she's reconnected with her ex for a fact, I do not know the extent of this. I cannot be, and I am not, jealous, as we are not dating. If I get attached, I will end up feeling like I'm the one being used instead of simply enjoying it while it's there, and saying "ok" when it's gone. I should do exactly that: accept, forgive and move on if I would like, or be okay with it if not. The future cards say that I will most likely move on and find someone new, or transition to a new period where I go back to doing my personal projects for myself, and by myself. (For clarification, what I would be forgiving is not someone who is free to do whatever they want doing whatever they want. The thing I would be forgiving is the disrespect of my time and the insult to my intelligence that would be represented by lying about the reasons for rescheduling.)
Either way, I will be (and currently am) entirely fine, as long as I don't think too hard about these things. I don't necessarily trust tarot cards to predict the inalterable fate of my life, as if it is predetermined, but they are a great tool to work through and think about stuff that nags on the mind, yet is not processable with the noise of day-to-day life going on at the same time. Or, I am looking for convenient distractions in order to not perform the basic needs of self-talk and dialectic analysis.
I replaced the font on my HTML feels page with Comic Shanns, as it is funnier and cuter.